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home sweet home
on the day after.
Will write soon.
lots of love.

B-day

On behalf of Valery, I'd like to share the happy news that a little girl (weighing 3930g) has been born 03.47AM today! Due to loss of blood, Valery will spend another night at the hospital but if all goes well, she'll be home tomorrow!

On my own behalf, I'm happy to report having become a godfather today :-)

FoF

For a long time I had wanted to let FoF know how much the whole experience had meant to me, and how important plan D (with her as our donor) was as a stepping stone for plan E (España, unknown donor). To explain that we couldn't have done that without her.
But between email and text messages we just hadn't really gotten around to meet up or talk again.

Today I felt time was sort of virtual, like extra time that shouldn't have existed or wasn't predicted somehow. And finally plucked up the courage to hop on my bike, cycle over and ring her door bell.
And as luck would have it she was home, alone, and had time for a cup of tea.
She was happy to see me, and when I told her I wanted to show her a big surprise and opened my jacket her face lit up even more, she was so happy to see my belly.

She told me she has been struggling with depression the entire time in between (I think it started Oct 2011, quite shortly after plan D fell through) medication has been problematic. She looked very skinny, but her smile was a hundred shining suns.
We both had been thinking about each other, we both had felt guilty and sad and neither had had the energy to arrange a meeting. Till now.

The time was right and we had a good time. 

D - day (but nothing happened....)

but nothing happened....
rationally I know only 5% of babies chooses their due date to actually be born, but emotionally I don't understand why nothing happened today. I mean, it's D Day ! The day I didn't dare to believe would ever come, and now that it is here it just passes by.

The good news is we had a check up today. 40wk 0 d. We took J along, both as a practice run and for this relatively special occasion, introduced him as the photographer and he promptly melted into the background. Trainee midwife going solo, taking all the time in the world for us.
Blood pressure back to normal: 120/70.
Belly check: all OK, Grasshopper's head engaged (=deep down low, ready for exit) She estimated the weight of the Grasshopper just from her hands on my belly, around 3200 gram, perfectly average.
When we said that DP's boys were a good 4000 she promised to eat her shoe if the Grasshopper would be as heavy ;-)
I said that compared to two weeks ago we feel less 'life'. Rationally we know there is just less room for the Grasshopper, so not only hopping is impossible but also kicks have changed into wriggles. Still going strong, but no more morning or afternoon playtime. She asked if we were worried, and I said I try not to. She asked if we wanted to do a CTG? Yes! The midwife in charge approved of it immediately, so I was hooked up to a belly band + monitor, and were left to listen to the sound of the heartbeat for half hour! (C for cardio)
T for toco, uterine contractions. Except we had no clue what the numbers meant.
And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I settled back in the cushions, legs up on the bed, DP fetching some tea, Grasshopper decided it was showtime.

Top blue line is the grasshopper heartbeat, and every big increase was accompanied by big belly movement. Near the end, the last 5 minutes you can see the rhythm returning to 120, start of the next nap time...
Afterwards they asked if I could feel the contractions? Um, no. If I press my hands on my belly then yes.
Looking at the bottom line you can see some fairly big increases, they must be Braxton Hicks contractions, but as long as I'm relaxed they are not painful at all. (For now!)
Glad we were offered the CTG, and not only reassured but very happy to see and feel the Grasshopper so alive.

While DP was getting us some tea J came up to me with the camera, showing me the 'picture of the day'. Big belly with doppler, my smiling face and DP with a shiny grin on his face.
Even DP agreed that J had a remarkable talent for being in the room without us realising it, so we could be relaxed and ourselves with our emotions.
And relive some of that with those pictures later....

Puku Nui

There are a couple of blog posts swerving through my head that can't seem to make it into separate ones, so I'll simply list them here.

My brother popped over for a visit on Feb 4. It was lovely and so very normal to have him in the house we bought for him and me 12 years ago. He was excited to see my belly instead of just listening to me over the phone. He did bring a minor truckload of baby things with him: more toys, another play mat, baby carrier, bottles, clothes from his two boys. There was also a mobile that we can hang IQ training pics from. Starting with basic shapes in black and white, than moving on to stage 2 plus 3 and lastly faces showing different emotions. (Oh my dear, I didn't even know there was such a thing as baby IQ training. Not sure I wanted to know)
Lunch on a canal.
Showed him our future canal house and he was as enthusiastic as I am.
Meeting up with our parents for tea and cake was weird. They were nervous around him, trying to make holiday plans in order to spend time with his boys. I was tired and a coward and withdrew....

An uncle of mine turned 65 the Saturday after, and had a big do in a museum and restaurant. Everyone thought it was so really special I was there. I had put some effort in dressing up, and at the last minute I asked my mom to fetch her festive Chinese jacket that is both shiny and really wide. I knew she had been wearing that sleeveless jacket when she was pregnant with me, and my uncle recognised it immediately. I'm so grateful I get to repeat some nice parts of history.

My mom had her 72nd birthday in January, and I hadn't really done anything in the way of a gift. So last week I dragged her along to my favourite bicycle shop and made her try this electric bike. While she loved to ride the bike,
she is adamant she doesn't want it. She doesn't want a new bike as it has a high risk of getting stolen. And she thinks she is 'too young' for an electric one, as an 80 year old friend of hers said she regretted not getting an electric bike 5 years earlier. Even though my mom admitted that longer distances are now tiring for her (her volunteer work is 7 kilometers from her home) and Amsterdam bridges seem to be getting higher...
I tried to change tack, saying that her grandchild will grow heavier faster than she will grow older, but she wasn't having any of it.
Then I said I would just order it now, ride it for her for three years so she can have it when she turns 75....
(I guess this means we are equally stubborn and a bit crazy? and not wanting to give in?)

My childhood friend J arrived on Valentine's day. He couldn't bear to stay in France anymore. He's installed as anti-squatter in the canal house now. Loving to be back in Amsterdam. And fully taking care of himself, despite the lack of kitchen and a shower with only cold water.

On Friday Lily came over and we prepared some sewing project for baby bed linen.

Saturday DP and I ventured out to a kitchen showroom that was recommended by our architect. They have everything we could possibly want. And more. Much more. More than I dare to imagine:
(Well, you know. If you ever wanted to dream of an outer space stove landing near you.We'll stick to something with a bit more 17th century feel.)

Can't believe tomorrow is D-Day.

bed linen

I was cleaning out the entire trunk that holds our linens. And at the very bottom found this pillow case, a leaving gift from my previous neighbour 10 years ago. It is a poem and I will not do it the injustice of a bad translation, but it is about sleeping & dreaming, and the second line says something like "I want to dream of a baby in the crib"
Had to snuggle up to DP on the sofa and cry a little on his shoulder before I could put it on a pillow. On our bed. Next to that empty crib. The crib that might....

36 & 38

The 36 week check was a weird one. 5 minutes of a midwife quickly feeling my belly: head down low, big baby, good match for DP and me, no don't worry, not too big. Blood pressure 110/65, very comparable to my usual 120/60.
Then there was the 'common part' : 8 couples were hoarded into a meeting room, so we could learn from each others questions and birth plans and the like. I think most people felt uncomfortable with the setting. DP and I were mostly annoyed that it took forever. And it yielded no relevant information that wasn't in the brochure already.....

This morning the 38 week check. Blood pressure down to 100/60. Probably because I have more blood, which also explains why I'm not cold these days. Grasshopper almost too big to see much on the scan. Head down very low, so that's good. Saw some ribs, vertebrae, beating heart. What do you call a male midwife? (should've watched more Private Practice) I had asked if he could maybe check for a last minute boy/girl surprise. But placenta was firmly covering the baby bum!
No measurements, just the reassurance that baby is good size (and is very unlikely to have outgrown the tiny clothes I have been washing
I did mention I can't sleep through the night anymore, his guess was that I normally sleep on my belly (that's right) and therefore wake up when I try but can't.
After that I didn't want to mention I was afraid it was an indication of higher chance of post post-partum depression. (as the not sleeping through the night used to be a symptom of my normal/IF depression)

When we were done DP left for work, and I decided to scout for the part of the hospital where the delivery rooms are. Complete opposite side, had to cross the entire ground floor. Then to the second floor, a winding way back through renovations, and suddenly I happened upon a nice reception desk and someone to allow me a sneak preview of one of the rooms. There is not much room at all at the head side of the bed, so I think I agree with DP that before birth we don't want visitors, if anyone really wants to wait there is a waiting room. The (m) midwife did explain that only on my OK visitors will be allowed in, DP doesn't have a say in that.(well, from their point of view)

Then tram to home, because an uncle wanted to come visit. Then walk on to the new house. Then my mom called she had found a shop with strollers on sale, 50% off, so I trundled off through a light snow storm, met up with her, cycled to shop and agreed it was a good deal. Then HB called if I was still on for dinner. Metro. Car. Supermarket. Then I decided it was time for me to crash on his couch and let him do the cooking. DP had shuffled some kids/parents/dinner in the mean time and came to pick me up. Home now, completely knackered. Time for bed!

Pictures

I think we were seven years old, two people who didn't quite fit in with the rest of the class, J and me. I think he was the only boy who wanted to be a girl and I was the only girl who wanted to be a boy. We became friends. Our lives couldn't have been more different and we are not really close. Just sometimes when it really matters we are simply there. He has tried many jobs and business ideas in his life, but the one thing he is truly gifted with is photography. He does portraits in a way you feel like you know the person.
So despite the fact he lives in a windy corner of France now I've asked if he would come over and capture something of the early days of the grasshopper.
And since I wouldn't know when exactly I offered he could stay (camp) at our new place for two weeks or so.
It was a bit of a lengthy email, and he replied with a one liner 'you mean of the delivery?'
That sounded a bit shocked to me, so I reassured him I meant at home, no blood, just tasteful pictures of a family beginning.

Today I had lunch with a common friend of ours, my high school friend An. I urged her to contact J to make sure she would be in one of the pictures with baby as well.

This afternoon I had J on the phone, in tears. That he heard from An I had misunderstood. Explaining that he was so honoured and overwhelmed by my request that he had not managed to put into proper words that he would love to be here for the delivery. That he has witnessed so many deaths in his life, but had never been there for a birth.
(He already lost both his parents, and he took care of one person dying of AIDS who was like a father to him. I don't even know how many friends he lost to AIDS)

I don't know.
I do know that delivery is planned to happen in my hospital (can't remember which particular medical reason, but there was one), so I'm not one of the dutchies that has the choice of a home birth and I don't regret that. Also that hospital is a teaching hospital, so there could be loads of different people walking in and out. With all my checks I've never found it a problem if there was an extra person or two in the room, they always seemed very nice and quiet.

But.

Well.
Half my brain says it's a fantastic offer of J. I can always decide not to look at those pictures. I could ask him to be nearly invisible. It's not like DP and I will be alone much anyway. If J doesn't take pictures there will be none.

But. If DP doesn't even want my mother to be around the hospital it seems unfair to ask J. I don't think they even met?
Sigh, if DP only came home we could discuss it. But he's an hour late, so he will probably be hungry and grumpy.
might as well start dinner...

update: DP wasn't grumpy, even unusually talkative. But thought that delivery was too personal to invite people to.
And there is the timing thing. It is a 12 hour drive from France. DP thinks that baby will be faster than J, I think J will be faster and baby will take more like 24 hours or so...
Right now I'm leaning towards only pictures after birth, but maybe a picture of cutting the cord isn't too weird to consider... I'll sleep on it...

Amsterdam style

No, no news, not yet, just preparations...
Two canals away I found a little printing house, that had an 'Amsterdam collection' for baby cards. And the more I look at this example, the more I fall in love with it. (I have never heard of that name, and can't tell you if it's a boy's or a girl's name) DP liked the card too, and I think he likes it enough not to want to go through thousands of alternatives just because.

I'm thinking we'll keep the inside very simple, just names, date and address. And for some people who knew about the twins I want to do a separate insert, on transparent paper. No name, just that date. Quite hard to come up with the right words though. I don't want it to be dramatic, just an acknowledgement (as the Oxford dictionary says: acceptance of the truth or existence of something)
loved, lost, remembered... (?) Maybe it is not even necessary to add that remembered, as the piece of paper is proof of that already...

(Trying to find the words in Dutch is reducing me to tears every time...)