Two more nights till the next scan... and I'm quietly terrified.
Even if it is good news for the remaining one, it's still just not the same.
Today in the library I browsed the pregnancy section but couldn't pick anything. I haven't looked in the embryo picture book. Somehow I find it all too much confrontation.
Four days ago (on Saturday) we returned home. On Sunday I took refuge at HB's. When he asked me if I would try to escape the boys for this week by going to work I realised I'm not ready to go back to work.
I did have some practice in telling people though. On Thursday my brother called and he was very sad for me. On Friday my mother joined us for one day of cycling, and I told her when I picked her up from the station. While she was sad with me for a while she also kept asking questions, even asking what medical preparation I had done to get ready before transfer... I managed not to snap at her nor tell her to get a book from the library.
O well, I suppose I'm angry and have nowhere to direct that anger. I snap easily at the boys (how hard can it be to use fork and knife for eating your dinner for heaven's sake. 9 & 13 and I've run out of patience. Never mind)
DP did ask if we had good news on Thursday if I would be scared again on Friday. I couldn't even reassure him I wouldn't. I suppose physically there are no signs of things not right. But since there weren't any signs two weeks ago.... O well, sad and scared. And waiting for Thursday...
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I know how scared you are and really anything I say right now will not take away the fear. If (when) you get good news on Thursday it will make you feel better, but it may not be an immediate cure to your fear. That's ok and totally normal. We fight so hard to get pg that when things finally work, we are then terrified that things will go horribly wrong. It is part of the deal (not trying to downplay how you feel, just want to acknowledge that what you are feeling is normal).
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you posted today, I have been thinking about you quite a bit and hoping everything is going ok. I will be thinking of you on Thursday.
I really feel for you at this moment. There is nothing I can really do to alleviate the fear, I realise, but know I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs.
It is just impossible not to worry. And loosing one is hard. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteFran
Valery, you left a lovely message on my blog, and then way led unto way and I never made it here, until this morning when I read Twangy's blog. I am so sorry for these days you are going for. The ultrasound that revealed one of the twins gone sounds like a terrible sucker punch. There's something especially unfair about being caught unaware like that. Not to mention the fear and for the second. And the interminable wait between scans.
ReplyDeleteI am sending you strongest hopes for today's scan.
Valery, you left a lovely message on my blog, and then way led unto way and I never made it here, until this morning when I read Twangy's blog. I am so sorry for these days you are going for. The ultrasound that revealed one of the twins gone sounds like a terrible sucker punch. There's something especially unfair about being caught unaware like that. Not to mention the fear and for the second. And the interminable wait between scans.
ReplyDeleteI am sending you strongest hopes for today's scan.
So the scan is today, and taking into account the time difference between where I am and where you are, it must have already happened. I so very much hope that it went well.
ReplyDeleteAnd to be perfectly honest, I doubt that fear will ever go away. I certainly felt it through my entire pregnancy with the alien, and only the last couple of weeks really started to feel the confidence that there might be a baby after all. ((hugs))