Every year at the big post-christmas family dinner we light a candle for my deceased cousin and aunt. A solemn moment with 20 people at the table. This year I was planning to light a small candle for my unborn child. Publicly. But as the dinner approached and one of the aunts lost her mother my resolve faded. An extra candle for the (grand)mother was lit and I kept my mouth shut. Felt that that loss was a real loss, complete with grieving grandchildren.
And my miscarriage was more of a virtual loss.
Then a few days of København, just DP and me. Lovely and cold
New Years Eve with my friend An and her little family with little electric heaters. Lovely and warm.
Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of my cousins death. We will remember by making a sort of memorial walk through one of his favourite nature reserves (close to his grave). I'm going, but DP has the boys this week. His oldest asked if they would go, but before DP could say anything the youngest said "it is not our family" (the twinkle doesn't stretch that far just yet)
Oh apparently he asked DP if we would have any children. DP said nothing much about it and he remarked something along the lines of that he would be 'too old' to play with a baby-sibling anyway.
O well, I wanted to write about how confusing and contradictory my feelings were during the mandatory christmas circus. And how I sometimes can't find words. thats where the title came from. But no time for that, must go to bed now, sorry.
Back soon I hope. (or I'll cheat and update this)
sleep tight
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Don't ever think that what you have gone through and are still going through is not a real loss. It is. I know other people who have not been in our shoes may not see it that way, but they are wrong.
ReplyDeleteMy heart broke when I read that you didn't feel like remembering your loss as it was not a big as that others were going through. I agree with Sweet G. Make sure you do it next year. Kisses, Fran
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