That was an intense session with BambiEyes.
To do #1: try to let the homework sink in and put in my own words.
Generally when I get emotional I don't remember much, so sometimes I write things down during session. Or immediately after. Now I try one hour later. And indeed it is a lot harder to recall her exact words.
To do #2: Call SIL and say I would be delighted to come visit the newborn. That I'm happy for them, but at the same time incredibly sad for me, so I might cry. How that would be for them.
In other words, ask for permission to be sad. ask for permission to feel my own feelings. BambiEyes says that if I can't feel my own feelings, it is no wonder I can't feel happy for them either. Even typing this makes me cry again. I don't think I can call. Maybe I'll ask DP. Maybe it is too much of a confrontation. BambiEyes asks 'confrontation with what?' well, with a newborn 'why would that scare me?' because they tend to be cute and small. And I want one. Or two. And I'm afraid I will not get one. Let alone two. And I might cry. (repeat from beginning)
To do #3: practice having a fight with DP. And promise each other beforehand that we will kiss and make up before bedtime. And that time-outs are allowed. Tell him it is homework.
Geez this sounds weird now. What was this for again? Mhmmmm...
Oh.... maybe about autumn break. Tell DP that I feel excluded in the way he tried to organise it. It is hard enough to be part of his family, even without infertility, and excluding me doesn't help.
I find it hard to say to DP that sometimes (most of the time?) the boys are too much for me.
I'm afraid to hurt his feelings. So generally I bury my own...
BambiEyes reckons that if I stopped pouring concrete over my negative feelings and try to drown them I would conquer half of my depression. That I should (allow myself to) be harmonious with both negative and positive feelings. That the whole suppression is what makes me crawl under the blankets...
So. Mhm. In real life I have only few places/people where I feel I have permission to be sad. BambiEyes, HB, BFG. Have to work on family...
Pffff, deep sigh, it is getting a bit much again (aaaaaand disengage)
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I really like BambiEyes. Her homework is no joke. It's really though going but it makes you think and consider those actions even though you may decide not to do them (you are still free to decide what to do). But I do agree, you have to be a bit more assertive with DP, it's allowed, he won't get mad or sad. You should call SIL, maybe you can just talk to her over the phone and wait a little longer to go visit. And all is not lost on you becoming a mom so don't think/act like it is. Love, Fran
ReplyDeleteCalling the in-laws and letting them know you are happy for them but sad for yourself, while I'm sure it's something they could already figure out on their own, sounds really difficult. People just refuse to understand that it is possible to feel those conflicting feelings.
ReplyDeleteAh, V.
ReplyDeleteBambiEyes does sound good. I had a few light-bulb moments of my own just reading what she says. The part about feeling your feelings - that resonates like a bell.
I think you're doing really well to see her. Good on you.
No assvice from me this time. There's just a line from a S.heryl C.row song that came into my head when I read this and the previous post: "no-one said it would be easy, but no-one said it'd be this hard".
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
How did the homework go? Did it help?
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I think that Bambi Eyes has given you some good advice. You can be happy for someone else and be sad for yourself at the same time. Those emotions can co-exist. Instead of asking your SIL permission though, ask yourself for permission to feel them. You don't have to feel guilty about being sad. Infertility sucks and it hurts and it is not fair. And, sometimes, the more you want something, the more it hurts when you can't get it and someone else can. If you cry - who cares! Just say they are tears of joy over such a tiny precious baby. It may be hard, but you may find out that when you hold the baby you will get a couple of moments of peace. But, if you don't think you are strong enough don't do it. Do it when you are feeling good.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I got your message about walking with me. That was an unexpected and amazing message. My hubby and I are starting weight watchers on Saturday, so I may soon be taking you up on your offer.