Big Steps

Life keeps happening.
I wanted to do our little ceremony while I was still 38, so we ended up doing it on the very last day. I was not looking forward to my birthday and had said to DP we would be ignoring it. On the train to the beach he apologised that he would not have a birthday gift for me and that he would not pop the question.
Ehem.
(?)
Thank you, I guess.
I wasn't in the mood for present anyway.
With my aunt and uncle I had a lovely scones-and-cakes breakfast as a celebration, small party, big breakfast though.
In the mean while I was getting nervous for news from Fof. I had convinced myself it would be more bad news and that I couldn't handle it. That I was not ready to say goodbye to my possible donor. So when her email came in I downloaded it to my phone without looking and arranged to meet HB, who could get out of work half an hour earlier than DP. After he told me it was safe to read I read it super quickly (and the three of us went for sushi). Fof mentioned hope and more appointments and more test results that had to come in, something like July 8 and 28. A day later now, and I still can't bring myself to read it carefully. I need some time to recover from my fear first.

While I was in Egypt DP had gone to the clinic because they wanted to test his sample at some stage. When he told me I thought it would have been for nothing, but now it seems he was right.
So we need a (phone) appointment to get the results for that too.
It is a good thing that our meeting with the clinic counselor is only in two weeks, at the moment the whole idea of planning things in the future feels a bit preposterous, like hubris.
Maybe I'm just afraid to allow hope back in.