Two more weeks before the result of the AMH blood test. Three weeks of waiting in total. I know that with not having a job at this moment it is harder to structure my day. It is harder to get out of bed. It is harder to find people to talk to. I find myself sitting in my house, waiting. worrying. DP tells me this test is only good news: either we get to try our luck with DE, or we get to have another go with my own eggs. I'm of course worried that my AMH comes back lousy, but not lousy enough. But still dooming own IVF.
A lead for a contract in Scotland came by in the email. And my very first thought was 'I can't go, I have to wait. Wait for the test. Wait how this plays out.' While a job in Scotland may or may not be a good idea, I'm slightly worried that I skip the basic question of 'Do I Want to go?'. Maybe I'm unconsciously protecting myself from disappointment: If I don't apply I will not be rejected....
HB isn't doing well. In the winter months we could lean on each other. But now, with his father dying, my worries are so futile in comparison. It is as if the gap between me doing better and him doing worse is too big most of the time. It hurts to see him struggle. To be powerless and helpless. And I worry...
Back to waiting I think. And carefully selecting one item from my to do list.
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If the waiting becomes too hard and you don't know how to fill your days with things other than worrying, you know you can always come visit! I'm at home almost all weekdays...
ReplyDeleteAls het zonnetje schijnt kunnen we een stuk gaan wandelen of fietsen. Het tempo zal niet heel hoog liggen met de kids erbij, maar in het bos op zo'n anderhalf uur lopen (zoals ik al zei: het tempo zal niet heel hoog liggen) of een half uurtje fietsen (bakfiets is ook niet heel snel) zit een leuk tentje voor een lekkere lunch of een kop warme choco met iets lekkers.
Misschien lastig voor je, een dag met drie kleine kids om je heen, maar ik garandeer je dat je weinig tijd over zult hebben om je druk te maken over welke uitslag dan ook... ;-)
Hug,
Mijke
I hope this 2 week wait flies by for you!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe I just wrote a massive comment and it got deleted!!
ReplyDeleteSweetie, try and get yourself into a schedule, walk, read, blog. Apply for the job, worst case if they interview you, you can have a nice few days away.
Love, Fran
Waiting sucks. It seems like that's all we do, doesn't it? The 2ww, waiting for betas, waiting to miscarry, waiting for test results, waiting for the next wait...
ReplyDeleteYes, the worst is waiting to know. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI saw some adoption-related advice saying don't allow yourself to go into a holding pattern while you're waiting, but continue to have a life. Good advice, tick. Hard to follow, tick. But you know, what Fran said.
You can do it. xx
If it's a long-term contract in Scotland and you're wondering about pursuing treatments there, then the Glasgow Centre for Reproductive Medicine is worth a look.
ReplyDelete