ah, the new job.
On Friday I saw 5 white stretch limousines pull away from the office, apparently an outing for a different department...
So yes, the party side of things is definitely running here.
I'm in the IT department, traditionally populated by 90% male consultants and very few permanent staff. I believe it is quite normal bookkeeping practice in a country where firing (permanent) people costs money and consulting contracts expire for 'free' every 2 months.
This company however prides itself for being cheap. Here consultants are perceived as more expensive (while they do the same work- how unfair) they can choose to move on (they must be disloyal) and somehow not quite human, but replaceable 'knowledge goods'.(staff go through HR, consultants go through Procurement, I'm not kidding) The IT director personally believes consultants are 'necessary evil' and doesn't hesitate to vent her opinion.
Then, long live flexibility, there were weeks with hardly any work for me to do. But they couldn't tell me when it would come in, so please stand by. Sit behind your desk till we remember you, you evil money wasting non-person.
It took me a while to realise this company is not doing me a favor, hiring me. It took a family party where I heard myself saying I could look for another contract because this company is plain schizophrenic.
Just, during the summer holidays where I was trying my best not to be the evil stepmother, that 'I am evil' bee kept buzzing through my head. It was an angry bee I tell you.
SOoo, realizing that I have options has relieved some buzzing. Realizing I don't have to act on that immediately if I don't feel like it has made it easier to accept the work situation.
A week later work started getting busier, that has helped a bit too.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Old job
A year and 9 days ago I left my old job, a job that I loved. Some colleagues had become friends and family. I went through IVF at the same time as someone else... It was more than a job. Lunch walks with BFG, and many more shoulders to cry on.
As a freelance consultant I had a clause in my contract with the intermediary party that I could not go back within a year while not using them. I didn't like that party, and my team was going to be outsourced anyway, so it didn't seem to matter.
But just now a young colleague at the new job rocks up next to my desk, saying he had a good interview at my old job and he can start mid October.
I am so angry now, I can feel it tingle in my fingers. It feels like this sprat it taking my job. My year is over, it feels like I'm entitled to go back. and yes, a little betrayal too. They could have asked me. They should have...
Wow, it's been more than a year and I still don't seem to cope with rejection..... with good things (jobs/pregnancies) passing me by..... if I were two years old I could fling myself on the floor and wail. But I'm at work fighting back tears.
And I have 1 hour left to cheer up before the whole IT department troops into cars and buses and we go for an afternoon of sailing and BBQ after. Fun.
Pfieew! is late now, back from sailing. The weather cleared up, some sun between the clouds, nice breeze, in other words perfect sailing conditions. Focusing on wind direction, speed and trim did actually help to not think about the rest for a couple of hours. Not carrying the concrete block around for a while. So this afternoon was definitely more fun than crying at home would have been. Thanks for cheering me on.
Can go to bed with rosy cheeks now......
As a freelance consultant I had a clause in my contract with the intermediary party that I could not go back within a year while not using them. I didn't like that party, and my team was going to be outsourced anyway, so it didn't seem to matter.
But just now a young colleague at the new job rocks up next to my desk, saying he had a good interview at my old job and he can start mid October.
I am so angry now, I can feel it tingle in my fingers. It feels like this sprat it taking my job. My year is over, it feels like I'm entitled to go back. and yes, a little betrayal too. They could have asked me. They should have...
Wow, it's been more than a year and I still don't seem to cope with rejection..... with good things (jobs/pregnancies) passing me by..... if I were two years old I could fling myself on the floor and wail. But I'm at work fighting back tears.
And I have 1 hour left to cheer up before the whole IT department troops into cars and buses and we go for an afternoon of sailing and BBQ after. Fun.
Pfieew! is late now, back from sailing. The weather cleared up, some sun between the clouds, nice breeze, in other words perfect sailing conditions. Focusing on wind direction, speed and trim did actually help to not think about the rest for a couple of hours. Not carrying the concrete block around for a while. So this afternoon was definitely more fun than crying at home would have been. Thanks for cheering me on.
Can go to bed with rosy cheeks now......
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
My brother
My phone gives me a text message when I miss a call. So when I saw a missed call from my brother I sent off an email asking if he had good news about his new job. When I didn't get a reply I just assumed there was no news just yet.
I was wrong. Well, about the job I was right, it was the good news part. He wanted to tell me personally. Yep, you guessed it, his wife is pregnant again. The due date is next May. MAY?? That is, like, nine months from now! yes yes, he knows things could maybe not go according to plan, but he wanted to tell me anyway.
It is not that I didn't expect it, if this works the kids will be 25 months apart, so the part of my brain that can count had already worked out this was a possibility.
I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I know I could feel happy or sad. Or both. But knowing and feeling are different things. And I don't know how to feel it.
And always such a very little remark with a sting "what good a summer holiday can do". (They went to Hawaii recently) Dear brother, that's not just a little sting, that is pure IF venom. But I didn't say anything. He knows that my 8 month long break was good for nothing.
The weather turned grey again. I'm so tired of it already, it makes me feel so grey on the inside.
And on those endless grey days it is so hard to believe the sun will shine again.
Sigh, should check if he told DP when he answered the phone. But don't feel like talking. At least it is bedtime over here.
I was wrong. Well, about the job I was right, it was the good news part. He wanted to tell me personally. Yep, you guessed it, his wife is pregnant again. The due date is next May. MAY?? That is, like, nine months from now! yes yes, he knows things could maybe not go according to plan, but he wanted to tell me anyway.
It is not that I didn't expect it, if this works the kids will be 25 months apart, so the part of my brain that can count had already worked out this was a possibility.
I don't know. I don't know how I feel. I know I could feel happy or sad. Or both. But knowing and feeling are different things. And I don't know how to feel it.
And always such a very little remark with a sting "what good a summer holiday can do". (They went to Hawaii recently) Dear brother, that's not just a little sting, that is pure IF venom. But I didn't say anything. He knows that my 8 month long break was good for nothing.
The weather turned grey again. I'm so tired of it already, it makes me feel so grey on the inside.
And on those endless grey days it is so hard to believe the sun will shine again.
Sigh, should check if he told DP when he answered the phone. But don't feel like talking. At least it is bedtime over here.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Early morning
It's one of those mornings.
The younger kid wakes up and trudges upstairs and crawls in bed with DP. First the mad scramble to put on some underwear before he's allowed under the cover. Then I sneak off to the bathroom and put on yesterdays clothes, not to return to the big bed....
I just can't do it.
I try to understand how important it is to DP. That half sleepy state, the closeness. The chance to bury your nose in the hair of someone you love, the falling asleep again.
I just can't do it.
I'm hoping the kids would grow out of it, but have been hoping for 5 years now. The oldest doesn't come anymore when I'm still in the bed, but I'm thinking he just picks up on my bad vibes. Because the weekend I fled it was all three of them in the big man bed.
I was telling myself I'd get used to it....
I just can't do it.
I'm telling myself that if it bothers me so much I should discuss it again with DP, I know he misses me when I sneak away. But I feel like such a failure. (and one of my rules is: discuss it or shut up about it, but whatever you do, no moaning)
My revenge plan for today is to lure DP into the outdoor shop and ask the travel doctor to stab him with the vaccinations.... ha, made myself smile there.
It's going to be an interesting weekend since the oldest stepkid is sick and didn't come. It's the first time with just one kid. I'm hoping it will be easier, but right now he is trying to get my attention and help for setting the breakfast table. I better try and reward him....
Have a good weekend!
The younger kid wakes up and trudges upstairs and crawls in bed with DP. First the mad scramble to put on some underwear before he's allowed under the cover. Then I sneak off to the bathroom and put on yesterdays clothes, not to return to the big bed....
I just can't do it.
I try to understand how important it is to DP. That half sleepy state, the closeness. The chance to bury your nose in the hair of someone you love, the falling asleep again.
I just can't do it.
I'm hoping the kids would grow out of it, but have been hoping for 5 years now. The oldest doesn't come anymore when I'm still in the bed, but I'm thinking he just picks up on my bad vibes. Because the weekend I fled it was all three of them in the big man bed.
I was telling myself I'd get used to it....
I just can't do it.
I'm telling myself that if it bothers me so much I should discuss it again with DP, I know he misses me when I sneak away. But I feel like such a failure. (and one of my rules is: discuss it or shut up about it, but whatever you do, no moaning)
My revenge plan for today is to lure DP into the outdoor shop and ask the travel doctor to stab him with the vaccinations.... ha, made myself smile there.
It's going to be an interesting weekend since the oldest stepkid is sick and didn't come. It's the first time with just one kid. I'm hoping it will be easier, but right now he is trying to get my attention and help for setting the breakfast table. I better try and reward him....
Have a good weekend!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Preparations
Listening to Sweet G's advice I've been preparing to get in the mood for this trip, leaving in 4 weeks and a bit.
In the library I raided the travel section (lonely planet - both the guide and travel stories, Insight Guide) then on to the 'other countries' section for some books on culture and lastly the 'ancient era' section for a book called "The lost civilization of Petra" . The title alone makes me smile, makes me remember and dust off that feeling of thrill of discovery.
Of course a little voice tells me that my expectations are so high I can only be disappointed, but, knowing that, I might just be back to normal curious. I know that magic doesn't always happen when and where you want it to, but, well, it could.
Today I realised I skipped the language section, so will go back for a phrasebook Arabic (and maybe some more history: Petra and the lost kingdom of the Nabataeans.) I love being able to count to ten and saying simple hello's in different languages. Maybe this time I'll try to learn some Arabic letters again. I managed 18 years ago for a week in Morocco, but forgot to try in 2009 when travelling through Egypt.
Tomorrow DP will try to get a passport. Still debating whether or not I should convince him to get vaccinations. It's recommended (DTP and hepatitis A) but not mandatory. And he is terrified of needles. (I once made him faint by just telling a story) What would you do?
I guess I could not worry, taking into account he is a grown man and makes his own decisions...
It was fun browsing the web for water carrying systems like Camelbak and Platypus, it really helps to get into believing that I might be walking through a desert and needing water. It shouldn't be too hot in October, just enjoyable
please little voice at the back, stop the sighing, and stop suggesting that if even this doesn't work it's time to finally leave DP...
Update: I just paid the full amount for the trip, an important step in making this really happen!
Little voice getting fainter already
1,2,3 (wahid ithnan thalatha) I'm off reading!
In the library I raided the travel section (lonely planet - both the guide and travel stories, Insight Guide) then on to the 'other countries' section for some books on culture and lastly the 'ancient era' section for a book called "The lost civilization of Petra" . The title alone makes me smile, makes me remember and dust off that feeling of thrill of discovery.
Of course a little voice tells me that my expectations are so high I can only be disappointed, but, knowing that, I might just be back to normal curious. I know that magic doesn't always happen when and where you want it to, but, well, it could.
Today I realised I skipped the language section, so will go back for a phrasebook Arabic (and maybe some more history: Petra and the lost kingdom of the Nabataeans.) I love being able to count to ten and saying simple hello's in different languages. Maybe this time I'll try to learn some Arabic letters again. I managed 18 years ago for a week in Morocco, but forgot to try in 2009 when travelling through Egypt.
Tomorrow DP will try to get a passport. Still debating whether or not I should convince him to get vaccinations. It's recommended (DTP and hepatitis A) but not mandatory. And he is terrified of needles. (I once made him faint by just telling a story) What would you do?
I guess I could not worry, taking into account he is a grown man and makes his own decisions...
It was fun browsing the web for water carrying systems like Camelbak and Platypus, it really helps to get into believing that I might be walking through a desert and needing water. It shouldn't be too hot in October, just enjoyable
please little voice at the back, stop the sighing, and stop suggesting that if even this doesn't work it's time to finally leave DP...
Update: I just paid the full amount for the trip, an important step in making this really happen!
Little voice getting fainter already
1,2,3 (wahid ithnan thalatha) I'm off reading!
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