My friend mailed me this bit:
Maybe you're tired of all the heartache you've had with DP. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes the person gets associated with the pain, though it's no one's fault. When I am sad, sometimes I feel like leaving and starting a clean slate. But where would that get me?It is so true.I'd still have to deal with me.
I am still angry DP needed 1 year extra time to be ready for TTC. Somehow I'm not angry with myself for not running to a hospital 6 months earlier. It is only now that I realise I could have tried to explain the rush I felt much earlier, could have found out my statistics.
But still I'm angry with DP, not me. So I guess I made DP the object of my anger.
Makes it pretty hard to remember the good parts. I try every day though.
I suppose with BFG the opposite is happening. For starters there's little pressure, no promises. If he is unavailable I tell myself he has his own life. And when we do have dinner together and I can lean against his shoulder I allow myself to think he saves me. I do say out loud that I don't know what to do and it doesn't sound bad. No stepkids to rub in the pain.
When I hide in his hug it feels like everything will be alright.
Pffff. When I started TTC I thought it would be the start of a period of special happiness, something that would confirm the bond I had with DP, strengthen our relationship. When the babydream fell apart it made tears in our closeness, widened the gap between his fatherhood and my childlessness. And while I realise that a DE baby needs a strong foundation to flourish I find it hopelessly unfair that 'no baby' can do damage in so little time that no DE-baby can hope to repair.
I try to be fair to me, my feelings, DP and a possible future baby but I never thought it would be this hard. Sometimes I feel like giving up, indeed wanting to start with a clean slate. Ask BFG what his favorite country is and move there for some adventure together.
I have never done the baby-contemplation thing before. (I've moved around the world plenty) I've never been in a relationship for more than three and something years, never made it through the bad times.
Only wise enough to see what a fool I am. I'm hopeless in choosing and making decisions ( I know that much about me) I don't want to lead myself just away from pain to foolish hope, I want to do it right, preferably not breaking any one's heart
But hey baby VV you broke mine by not existing....
Sounds like you're heading down a slippery slope. Your relationship with the other man is probably making matters worse from the sound of it, might be a good idea to step away until YOU figure out what to do. Have you considered couples therapy? It helped us be true to ourselves and each other. Even if a break is in your future it can help you get through it in a healthy way. And I agree with your friend, you can't run away from yourself.
ReplyDeleteHugs! I think if you're going to give things with DP a fair shot, then BFG has to be out of your life. How can things get better with DP if you're not turning to him for support? You are constantly turning away from DP and towards BFG. Darlin' the grass is always greener. There are no guarantees that life gets better if you leave DP and run off with BFG. Your problems will follow, they may take a little while to catch up, but they'll still be there.
ReplyDeleteIf you really don't want to be with DP and you're sick of the step kids and all of the issues that this relationship holds then maybe it is time to move on.
I wish life was easier and there was a book of rules that we could just follow that would lead us all to our successful relationships. If BFG is where your heart is and he feels the same about you (does he want kids? Is he open to donor eggs?)then maybe you should follow your heart.
Huge hugs.
Have been thinking about this for a day now, and I still am not sure what to say - I suppose because the temptation to run applies to me too, and I am still working on it. SIGH.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to know when running away is cowardice, or when it's the right thing to make a clean break, especially when what you are leaving is all so confusing. Sometimes a partner can seem like the problem and the solution at the same time.
Sorry! This is no help. But I am rooting for you, Valery. I so want this chapter in your story to have a happy ending.
I'm sorry it's all so hard now. My heart aches for you. No advice or suggestions from me - I just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Valery, I am sorry this is all so unfair and difficult and painful. I know too well that sometimes it just feels like too much to bear. Sending you hugs and positive energy to help you find your way through.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy