Fog

Hi there.
A week ago I had my meeting with BambiEyes, and I m still brooding over it. My homework is clear: make my choice about pursuing DE before my birthday. (Next week, 38, eeeeek)
And that seems to be the easy choice.
Like Fran pointed out in her comment there is something hovering in the background. It's a bit of a long story but I'll give it a try.
When we started the infertility train I talked a lot to (and with) my colleagues. Shared my sadness about all things medical going on. Generally one-on-one conversations near the coffee machine, or during lunch break walks. I was surprised that a few of my male colleagues were moved to the point of wanting to be there for me, to do something. To help. Donate their gametes. One dark guy A, another one Z resembling DP. I would smile sadly admitting that that was not a solution to my egg problem. When the timing issue showed up they offered again. And one time when DP refused my attempt at timed int. I had a really really rough day not asking for physical help. I think that was the day I took BFG out for dinner and told him my story for the first time. He listened, without offering "help". Funny detail: A was TTC for his first son and having cycle drama, Z was expecting his second daughter, BFG single. Sometimes I find this world hard to understand, it seems such a topsy-turvy place.
Soon BFG became the one I turned to for normal kinds of help. With numbers, working out when to take a HPT. When I miscarried and DP said not to worry because we would see the doctor the next day, BFG would listen to me cry on the phone.
At the beginning of 2009 DP told me he was uncomfortable with me having an emotional bond with BFG, that to him that connection counts as having an affair.
I found that very difficult, still do. I'm not giving up that friendship. I need someone to talk to, someone who makes me feel that everything will be alright. I think that is the hardest part of infertility for me. I used to dream of DP and me, our babies, our little family, our bigger family, our future. Writing this makes me cry, because I know I've lost that dream.
Shouldn't people who get married share a dream of a future? Still 37 for a few more days, so probably I'm only halfway my life. Bit early to only dream of the past...

March 17, 2009 and the doctor loaded the wrong movie for the rest of my life. It has a fair resemblance, but it is ever so subtly wrong. Part of me still waits for someone or something to wake me up and apologise for the mistake. The other part of me tells me it is in the middle of the night 2:30 AM and I should go to sleep.
Good night, sweet dreams.