New Reality

Still treading water at new job. Almost more depressing doing nothing at work than at home.
Last Thursday I had an email from BigFriendlyGiant. BFG and I used to walk during lunch break at my previous job. Last week he went out alone, I went out alone at my new office. Somehow I found it really depressing, missing my former work and colleagues in general, and BFG in particular. When he said he missed me too it hurt. He is always there for me, and I couldn't be there for him.
Friday night I felt drained and down and unable to go out. watched TV all evening. DP wanted to watch a different show so he spent the evening in front of a different screen on the floor above me.
For the long weekend I found it hard to make plans, so Saturday we kept it easy, shopping, laundry, sitting on balcony. Sunday we took the train, and did a nice hiking trail to the beach. While we were walking DP brought up the DE subject and how I struggle with it. I found it hard to get his feelings on the subject, he only said it depends on me. But it was a good conversation, covering some stepchildren topics as well.
On Monday we did a combined bicycle-sailing day, and even though I didn't enjoy the sailing like I used to it was a good day. So we did lots of outdoor activities and had loads of sunshine in the three day weekend.
Sunshine never fails to cheer me up...
Monday just before dinner DP asked me out of the blue if we shouldn't get married (moeten we eigenlijk niet eens trouwen?)
My heart jumped up in a happy way, I was surprised and confused as well. I asked him why (hoe kom je daar ineens bij) and he said just checking (nou gewoon). Gewoon means 'as usual' but it is hardly usual, especially not for someone who said no three years and 49 weeks ago.
It's a week later now, and I'm still feeling confused.
DP suddenly coming home with two bouquets of flowers for the first time in four years only adds to the confusion. I guess I find it hard to change my mind for a third time. I feel like he is asking even more commitment from me while I'm finding it harder every day to accept the life we're living. I find it hard to put into words how I feel about his boys. I don't have a problem taking care of them, taking responsibility, having authority, playing The Settlers of Catan Junior, respecting their loyalty to their mother. ( yes, I do feel hurt when they feel the need to point out to strangers that I'm not their mother) I feel vaguely guilty for not loving them, I had expected that loving DP would give me an automatic subscription for loving his offspring.
Some dutch news site proclaimed that permanent customers show 2 out of 3 signs of 'real love' towards certain companies: they get that feeling of security and intimacy. I'm only feeling slightly suffocated if the boys want to hold my hand or a cuddle. I even avoid wearing soft fabrics as to not invite them to touch me. While with other people I'm fairly touchy feely. Yesterday they were all away for a kids party.
In the morning my mother spoilt me for an early birthday present, dressed me up in electric blue top, grey pants and dark blue cashmere/silk scarf. Thanks so much mom, they make me look stunning, love it. In the afternoon two former colleagues (she Chinese, he Malaysian) came over from Delft and London and I showed them around Amsterdam, the canals, markets and tiny China Town. I served them fresh mint tea on my balcony and enjoyed giving them a good time. Walked them back to the station and took a train myself for dinner with BFG. I told him that sometimes I feel like a fly that keeps buzzing into the window, not seeming to understand that I can't pass through the glass, so drawn to the light. Have to remember I can fly....