5 1/365

Yesterday's post took its own turn. I think I set out to write about love, and maybe sex, about how dreams and plans got mangled by time and adversity.
But these days The Anger pops up and takes over. Not so much in real life maybe, but here it happened more than once. This is supposed to be a more or less safe place, better writing out than acting out The Anger. BambiEyes even warned me for this, and encouraged me to write. Being out here, admitting infertility (cringe!) emotion (blah!)
Sometimes just the writing itself is enough to lift the load of carrying all that emotion.

This is what my mother brought on Sunday. I don't know what to make of it, and decided it must be the floral equivalent of a haiku.
Something about it disturbs me. One stem carrying 7 lilies, three flowering sprigs that will never bear fruit....
Pretty girly springy pink though.

Two sessions ago BambiEyes said something to me that got me thinking. I was telling her about trying to share and connect with DP, that sometimes we would hug and I'd say 'it's not fair' and DP would say 'no, it's not fair' and no difficult conversation was needed to feel close for a moment.
Then BambiEyes said with a smile that technically it would be better if I said 'I find it not fair'
First instinct: But but but it really is not fair! It's the Universe being mean to me and I can't help it! Poor helpless victim me! How dare she suggest it's my fault!
Second thought: hey, my thoughts and opinions are mine and mine alone, I might just have a shred of influence here.
While it was only a minute change of perspective, it's made me feel lighter. I might still be at the bottom of the well, at least I'm not sprawled on my back with the Unfairness blocking my chest. More like sitting next to it, flexing my arms and legs and looking up and around...