rational, emotional and the theory of mind

Last week I've been practicing with BambiEyes for the meeting that DP and I will have with her today.
It was hard to put into words, but she made me realise that is based on trying to find rational words for a deeply emotional desire. That it is part of my biology to want to be pregnant (Gah, I never got around to writing a post titled Boobs are for Babies)
I found myself saying that being pregnant means that the human being growing from tiny cells is essentially my flesh and blood, in the most literal sense. Part of my body, part of me, part of my dream.

And then this post was sitting there, being too hard to finish. Because in that session I said out loud that I will not stay with DP if he is not in on the DE journey.
Two days ago DP asked suddenly: 'Why are we going to see BambiEyes again?'
me: 'To talk about what we can/want to do about getting babies'
DP: 'But she doesn't know'
...

It made me wonder if he really 'forgets' these things? But I figured that giving an honest answer was better than the sarcastic and hurtful options like 'since you don't remember you don't care anyway so why should I tell you.'

But then, yesterday while we had put a homemade bolognese sauce on the stove, a sauce that gets nicer if it simmers longer DP started talking. For an hour! Did I really consider the donor egg option? Yes. I said that 5 years ago he told me he is not the tour-around-the-world-guy because of his boys. And I told him I wanted children. That we both agreed that were important needs in our relationship. That I don't want to spend my life as a childless stepmother.
We got talking about his boys again. How sometimes when I get bored or annoyed with them I just leave and see a friend. How I leave all the kiddie stuff up to him. And even what we do on those weekends. And that he was afraid that with DE I would do exactly the same. How he wouldn't want it thrown in his face that it would be his baby, his problem if it would cry all night. How you can't hand them back on Sunday evening.
It was weird to hear him admit that he sometimes doesn't like being home with the boys. That he is hurt if he asks them if they want to do A, B or C they just say no, no and no and go to their room and play with Lego or Xbox (Wow, Xbox4NappyRash never more appropriate)
I thought it was just me being driven insane by the confinement.
Very revealing.
DP reminded me that sometimes he looks at his kids and recognises part of himself. Little character traits that are sometimes endearing, sometimes annoying, exactly because of that personal recognition. That I might not have that genetic link...
I said we shouldn't do DE if he would always be on the lookout for things like that.
And that people try to find a donor that resembles the recipient for those reasons.
(we didn't go into the nature/nurture character bits)

We talked some more about his boys. They are almost 7 and 11. That the oldest would be like 2 years away from puberty and would be too old now already for a different relationship with me. Says DP. I feel that he is more open to me than ever before, more open than I'm ready for sometimes. But puberty scares me. I was the good girl at school, left wondering why on earth 15 year old boys thought it was funny to throw paper planes while it was obviously childish behaviour, or scooters were obviously dangerous, expensive and polluting the environment...
I cling to what I read in a stepparenting book: puberty is breaking the strong bonds with your parents and becoming an independent personality. And since stepparents don't have the same bond there is less to break away from. I realise this might backfire in ways unimaginable to me now, but pffff, not yet.

Soooo, I sort of feel on trial. Must pass minimum threshold of stepmothering before allowed to become a mother.
I know that it is important to be a team with DP, to trust each other to fall back on when kids aren't angels. That realistically that is 99% of the time. Maybe less if you count the time sleeping. (Is that why parents love to look down on their sleeping children? )
Don't know why the prospect of a complicated family seems more daunting now. Not so much the near future, the boys are quite fond of little kids. But in their independent future it might not be possible to avoid confrontation with their mother. It is one thing to respect/ignore people 60 km away, but it is a different idea with ceremonies or hospitals or what else life might think of.
(evil stupid little voice wishes donor sperm was the issue, so much more easily solved, easier complications. Or just run away, start with new partner and clean slate...)
How easy to drive myself mad!

This Friday it will be me and the boys. (DP works) Hope it will indeed be Good Friday.
arghhgr, BambiEyes tonight, gardening with dear cousin tomorrow, then Friday, then Easter.
Maybe this movie is just what we need: How to Tame Your dragon