I'm not feeling any less tired yet, as we still get up once or twice per night to soothe Suzy or give her a sip of water and a cuddle. Part of me wants to get over this bit. The other part knows this bit is over all too soon: only the very first few years can I soothe and settle by just body warmth, a hug and the smell of me.
More than 3 years ago the neighbour across the street from my parents finally got pregnant with twins from IVF. Born strong and healthy at full term. At the time I was understanding her need to keep emotional distance from my IF misadventures. While it felt to me like she was afraid my bad luck would taint her, I guess it was just too much to take on. I tried to ignore my jealousy.
I didn't share with them when I was pregnant. When I run into the twins though I cherish those moments. Love the little hands and minds. Just when I cycle away I hurt with the 'could have been me' part of it.
Yesterday my mother told me they have done a successful FET. And when I cycled home from work tiny tears fought their way down my cheek.
I've tried so hard to convince myself our family is complete. I once did expect my dreamt of twins, I got a healthy take home baby, I've named our Knut and said Farewell and not forgotten.
WHY would I be upset so easily as another infertile gets pregnant?
WHY does it even hurt still?
ohhh dream of 4 little blond ones, dream of twins, dream of a large and loud family, it was nice having you around. Please let me go now.
Time for chocolate biscuits and tea
Oh big hugs, would you not go again? Love, Fran
ReplyDeleteHi. It's been a while hasn't it. Thought of you lots, but life just gets in the way. I am sorry you are struggling with this. I know what you are feeling. I hope the meds help with your TSH. Do you have any frozen embryos left that you could go back for?
ReplyDeleteHello - I know it's been ages. Been thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the TSH, but I hope the meds will solve that quickly. As to the question of the family being complete. I know how that feels. My daughter just turned 3 years old on Dec 23rd and I'm still struggling with this question. I hope you are able to find some peace. (I also know what it's like to have the prospect of multiples and having that taken away). Sending you hugs from across the sea.
I felt like this a couple of days ago, not about a fellow infertile but a friend who is having her second when her first child is a few months younger than the Boy.
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit stupid because we're not ready to go for #2 now anyway, and may never be. But sometimes I feel irrationally like, if I suddenly had my fertility restored, I'd pop out a baby every year just because I could.
I think despite the "win", the options and the freedom being taken away is still always going to be a sore point.