August 6 was my deceased cousin's birthday.
I visited his grave like I do every year, planted a pink geranium. I usually plant a little white rose, but the plant shop didn't sell them at that moment. Pink with purple it was.
I took Suzy with me, as if I needed to introduce her. But I was nervous about driving with her on my own so I asked my mother to join us. While it was reassuring to have company, it was not the same as visiting the grave on my own. I couldn't get into the emotional space to think of my cousin properly, so just did the physical part, a bit of gardening, and didn't dare to 'talk' to my cousin.( Forever 31.
He did meet DP, he did ask me if DP was the guy for me, but cousin didn't live long enough to know about our IF. Wasn't there to think through DE with us.) I'll go back another time, he won't mind.
Also, if he and I don't believe in heaven, he will not have met the vanished twin. Anyway.
Mom took pictures at the grave. Looks odd, the juxtaposition of new baby and the stone marking the end of his life. I have been a bit locked up since the visit. After a month decided I should write cousin a letter, get it out. In Dutch, so won't publish. Somehow it is harder to write in dutch... More practice writing here..
And so much happening in the here and now to keep me from writing.
We're not dead, and time doesn't go slowly at all now.
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What a young life, I can sense you miss him so. Much love, Fran
ReplyDeleteI send you hugs even though this was weeks ago. So, so sad. 31 is far too young to go.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean by not being able to get into the emotional space you want - the last two or three times I visited my mom's grave was with one or both of my kids and I had to make sure they weren't tearing down the flowers or throwing the pebbles etc. while what I wanted was just sit there and be with my mom. Next time I will go alone.
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