Last night I couldn't sleep. And I realised it has been a while since I last lay awake. Before DE there were always big decisions to ponder. Big emotions to deal with. I know having Suzy in the here and now doesn't erase the past, but it does leave me less time and energy to think and ponder about it.
And there it was.
Even though I didn't realise it straight away.
Did start up my laptop and started reading blogs. Having my toes and fingers crossed for May. Reading about Shannon stopping blogging because of a step teenager.
But it took me half this day to realise that two years ago exactly DP and I went to the beach to say farewell to our Knut.
I'm not very good at feeling the happy (for what is) and the sad (for what isn't) on the same day. Do still miss my BambiEyes, feel like I have left things unfinished with my therapy. Probably should accept there is no such thing as being finished with emotions or grief.
So today is a good day to be sad, to remember all we have been through, all we have lost.
Today also happens to be the day someone gave us their old high chair that is very similar to the one we use for Suzy (but on ours the newborn adaptor didn't fit)
So suddenly we had two chairs at the table. One fit for a baby. One empty. The closest thing I can imagine of a picture of a vanished twin. The closest thing to making it tangible. And it is still almost too big to feel all at once.
Tears for today. Tomorrow is another day. Another birthday.
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Sending hugs....thanks for your email and support....I've updated my blog if you feel like reading a sad story....XOXO
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