Some memories I wanted to write something coherent about, but it seems that will not happen before they fade even more. So I'll try it this way.
Our bedroom is in the attic, our bed sheltered under the rafters. Suzy´s crib just of the foot end of the bed. I remember that first time that DP took Suzy to her crib, saying that we both should get some sleep. I tried laying back in my pillows. And slowly realised I was alone in my body. And Suzy was alone in her crib. Alone. ALL ALONE. And had to take her back and hold her close.
Tuesday Feb 26. DP went to the city hall to register Suzy's birth, had an appointment at 11 AM.
At 10:50 I was standing over her crib, looking down on that tiny tiny face. And I remember thinking that for 10 more minutes she would just be ours, mine. So private, so pure, just herself. No number to represent her, no database to know of her, nothing virtual or official. Just that dreamlike reality. I don´t think I was afraid that the bubble would burst, but it did feel a bit less safe somehow.
This week I realised I needed her social security number, so I opened the envelope with her paperwork. And found out the city had given her a tag blanket. Welcoming her as an Amsterdam citizen.
Suzy is eleven days old and I think I´m strong enough to take her outside. Well, with DP carrying her. To the new cake shop that opened 5 doors down the street. I only just made it, had to sit down inside to rest. Then DP walked me back and continued with Suzy to the printer to pick up envelopes for her birth announcement cards.
Suzy in her crib, and I want to sing her a lullaby. The first few times I was just so emotional I choked up, couldn´t even finish the simplest of songs. Now, with months of practice, I sing her Brahms´ Wiegenlied, making up our own lyrics. And bah bah black sheep both in English and in Dutch. And wonder every time how that sheep changes colour in translation ;-)
update: (almost forgot)
the first ten days or so I didn't dare to use deodorant, afraid that Suzy would not learn my natural smell. I was too weak to move anyway, so not sweating
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Oh... you're getting me all teary-eyed with these sweet moments!
ReplyDeleteI remember having a similar reaction when we came home from the hospital (after the standard 3 days here in France) with M. Sensible and I looked at the crib in his room and there was just no way I could put him to sleep there (so he slept in the stroller next to our bed, and sometimes in between us).