Dear international coordinator,A week later a got this reply:
would it be possible to share some more information with me about selecting a donor and how the matching process works?
I know the most common things that people look for are hair and eye color, but would it be possible to indicate that I would find a university level education more important? And that everyone on both my partners and my family are tall and slender with low BMI (19-22)? What could you tell us about personality and skills?
My other concern is about a donor sibling registry. I do understand the donor remains anonymous by law in Spain, but what are the rules when it comes to donor siblings? Would it be possible after 16 years to organise sibling contact if they wish? Is it allowed to know if there are any donor siblings?
Dear Madam,The answer to the sibling registry is a loud and clear NO to me. The answer to selecting and matching? very implicit to me. I meant selecting a donor for me, not the screening before someone can be a donor. I'm thinking that one will never have a perfect match and therefore choices will have to be made. My hair was straight for 30 years, then decided to curl. While this may be a sort of unique genetic feature I don't actually care much, whereas a higher education (or other indication of genius ;-) does matter to me more.
Thank you for you email. Sorry for the late reply. The clinic was closed for annual vacation.
Here are informations about how we select our donors. Of course, as you know, we look for donors whose physical characterics are similars to yours (hair, texture, skin, eye colour, race, heigh, weight, bloodtype). The potential donors have to undergo a series of interviews and then several screenings (medical, gynaecological, toxicological, genetic, etc.).
Murcia is not a big capital, but is a university town. Most of our donors are young students. The average age is around 22 and 25 years old.
As the donation is totally anonymous in Spain, you won't be allowed to know neither the donor's identity nor the potential siblings.
I hope I've answered your questions. Do not hesitate for further doubt.
Best regards and have a nice day!
(name deleted)
International coordination
IMFER
DP was disappointed, he expected us to go through some kind of donor photo album.
The scientist in me balks at "the average .. is .. 22 and 25.." An average is one value!!! My inner linguist-peace keeper comes in with "most of our donors are students, aged between 22 and 25"
But I keep being baffled by the punchline "Do not hesitate for further doubt" What did she think in Spanish for it to come out this way?! She could not possibly mean 'feel free to doubt anything I just said' or 'doubt yourself more, quickly' or 'do not hesitate, come to our clinic quickly before you get any further doubts'
(maybe my inner linguist is a sulky teenager having fun here)
Looking forward to your interpretation of this gem
Oh my.
ReplyDeleteI reckon what she meant was:
Don't hesitate (to contact us if you have) further doubt(s). Or questions.
No?
This from a person who has made some stellar clangers in other languages. And even in my own, come to think of it. It never occurred to me for instance, that the Flatiron building was thus named for its resemblance to a flat iron, and used to call it the Flatir-on building. :)
I really think you are being quite harsh. English is not their main language and it's quite known that Spaniards are not strong in foreign languages! Donors is anonymous in many places, maybe the States may have an open registry or something. It may be that some of the eastern countries will give you a book so that you can pick a picture out but it's highly unlikely that the level of education will be as high as you want it to be (why is such a priority to you it's not too clear to me...the priority should be to have a child more than that child is a genius, no?)
ReplyDeleteI think she means "do not hesitate to get in touch if you have further questions/concerns" (I have worked in the English as a Second Language field for many years, so I have seen it all. And yes, she probably meant "range", not "average". ;-)
ReplyDeleteI can understand your disappointment about the sibling contact (or lack thereof) and the education issue. But...if I may say...just because someone is university-educated or even has a high IQ, it does not guarantee that their baby will be genetically superior intelligence-wise. Of course, I am not an expert on these things, but I think nurture trumps nature in this regard, so you and DP would have that end of things covered.
Sending love and hugs as I'm sure all this thinking and wondering must be so hard...wish we lived closer so we could meet at the local cafe and ponder it all together.
Love,
Maddy
I know I know, her English is still waaayyyy better than my Spanish, I'm not complaining about that, didn't mean to. I was deliberately trying to find more interesting ways to interpret the further doubt sentence, as I value word jokes and double entendres.
ReplyDeleteMaddy, you are absolutely right, no guarantees... The Dutch clinic counselor said 60% nature on the IQ, but that with any given child we should still work our butts of because without the nurture the 60% isn't going anywhere.
And Fran, I was trying to say that to me IQ matters more than hair colour if there is choice.
That isn't such a strange preference, is it?
Hey, I also think she meant to write something like 'do not hesitate to call us if you have any further questions', which is a pretty standard ending. It was funny though... (the French can do some good ones too in English!).
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you're reading US blogs regarding DE and that might be where the 'donor photo album' idea comes from (I'm following "Tippy and Tidy's Tumultous Trip to Toddlers and it seems they do have something like that at their RE's office) and it must be especially difficult after having worked with a potential donor that you knew pretty well to go to a system where you have basically no choice and can only give your own stats and hope they come back with a decent match. I can understand your preference for IQ over hair color (when, a long time ago, I was briefly considering adoption, I did wonder about things like 'what if my child will be stupid?' - but I know that can happen with a biological child too), but also get it that the clinic doesn't screen for that kind of info. Were you able to get in touch with my friend? I think they went to Barcelona, not Murcia.
On a related note, did you ever see the Steve Jobs Stanford commencement speech? He was adopted - his birth mom requested that the adoptive parents would have college degrees. The intended adoptive parents backed out at the last minute because they preferred a girl - his now adoptive parents got a call that there was a baby, and if they wanted it. They said "of course". Then the birth mom found out they didn't have a college degree and wanted to cancel the adoption, but they were able to keep the baby by promising her they would give him a college education (and of course we know that he's a college drop-out).
Sorry for the long comment...
Well, you know I'm a Spanish<>English interpreter and translator. th weird thing is that the word usually used for "hesitate" is "dudar" - which literally means "doubt." So, for example, "no dude en llamar" is "don't hesitate to call." But ALSO, "questions" is also often translated as "dudas" in Spanish. "Preguntas" refers more to specific questions; "dudas" refers more to concerns. So...even I can't exactly figure out where the mistranslation occurred, because, "No dude si tiene dudas" doesn't work. It's usually, "Cualquier cosa, no dude en [llamar, whatever]" for "Any questions, don't hesitate to [call, whatever]."
ReplyDeleteThanks for the little brain exercise :) Most of the other mistakes are very common native Spanish speaker mistakes in English.
But yes, there is going to have to be some compromise on your donor parameters. You are going to have to decide which is more important - a donor sibling registry, physical appearance, etc. Which really sucks, but is the nature of the beast.
Our DE was similar to that described in the response to you. I gave a list of my traits and characteristics to the clinic and the dr matched me. I was given basic information about the donor (e.g., age, heith/weight, eye colour, hair colour and that she was proven.) and I could either accept her or reject her and have them find someone else. It was completely anonymous. I did find this process a little stressful, but I found the process of choosing a donor (when we were exploring other options) much more difficult. I couldn't find a carbon copy of myself and was worried about making a choice I would regret. I have kept the pertinent information for our daughter and hopefully, if she wants to find out more, they will open their books for her later (or policies will change in that country). I met a new friend for coffee the other day and she said "I know you told me about the DE situation, but it's amazing how much your daughter resembles you". Something I never thought I would hear.
ReplyDeleteAs to the further doubts comment, I think it was an unfortunate slip up. I agree with a PP that she actually meant if you have any further questions/concerns do not hesitate to contact them.