Projection or something

projection or association, sometimes I don't know which feelings are 'real' and which ones come from the stages of grief. I'm not good with anger. Don't know how to deal with it without damage. But anger is in my life now, and it is linked with DP.
My friend mailed me this bit:

Maybe you're tired of all the heartache you've had with DP. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes the person gets associated with the pain, though it's no one's fault. When I am sad, sometimes I feel like leaving and starting a clean slate. But where would that get me?

I'd still have to deal with me.

It is so true.
I am still angry DP needed 1 year extra time to be ready for TTC. Somehow I'm not angry with myself for not running to a hospital 6 months earlier. It is only now that I realise I could have tried to explain the rush I felt much earlier, could have found out my statistics.
But still I'm angry with DP, not me. So I guess I made DP the object of my anger.
Makes it pretty hard to remember the good parts. I try every day though.

I suppose with BFG the opposite is happening. For starters there's little pressure, no promises. If he is unavailable I tell myself he has his own life. And when we do have dinner together and I can lean against his shoulder I allow myself to think he saves me. I do say out loud that I don't know what to do and it doesn't sound bad. No stepkids to rub in the pain.
When I hide in his hug it feels like everything will be alright.


Pffff. When I started TTC I thought it would be the start of a period of special happiness, something that would confirm the bond I had with DP, strengthen our relationship. When the babydream fell apart it made tears in our closeness, widened the gap between his fatherhood and my childlessness. And while I realise that a DE baby needs a strong foundation to flourish I find it hopelessly unfair that 'no baby' can do damage in so little time that no DE-baby can hope to repair.

I try to be fair to me, my feelings, DP and a possible future baby but I never thought it would be this hard. Sometimes I feel like giving up, indeed wanting to start with a clean slate. Ask BFG what his favorite country is and move there for some adventure together.
I have never done the baby-contemplation thing before. (I've moved around the world plenty) I've never been in a relationship for more than three and something years, never made it through the bad times.
Only wise enough to see what a fool I am. I'm hopeless in choosing and making decisions ( I know that much about me) I don't want to lead myself just away from pain to foolish hope, I want to do it right, preferably not breaking any one's heart
But hey baby VV you broke mine by not existing....

Fog

Hi there.
A week ago I had my meeting with BambiEyes, and I m still brooding over it. My homework is clear: make my choice about pursuing DE before my birthday. (Next week, 38, eeeeek)
And that seems to be the easy choice.
Like Fran pointed out in her comment there is something hovering in the background. It's a bit of a long story but I'll give it a try.
When we started the infertility train I talked a lot to (and with) my colleagues. Shared my sadness about all things medical going on. Generally one-on-one conversations near the coffee machine, or during lunch break walks. I was surprised that a few of my male colleagues were moved to the point of wanting to be there for me, to do something. To help. Donate their gametes. One dark guy A, another one Z resembling DP. I would smile sadly admitting that that was not a solution to my egg problem. When the timing issue showed up they offered again. And one time when DP refused my attempt at timed int. I had a really really rough day not asking for physical help. I think that was the day I took BFG out for dinner and told him my story for the first time. He listened, without offering "help". Funny detail: A was TTC for his first son and having cycle drama, Z was expecting his second daughter, BFG single. Sometimes I find this world hard to understand, it seems such a topsy-turvy place.
Soon BFG became the one I turned to for normal kinds of help. With numbers, working out when to take a HPT. When I miscarried and DP said not to worry because we would see the doctor the next day, BFG would listen to me cry on the phone.
At the beginning of 2009 DP told me he was uncomfortable with me having an emotional bond with BFG, that to him that connection counts as having an affair.
I found that very difficult, still do. I'm not giving up that friendship. I need someone to talk to, someone who makes me feel that everything will be alright. I think that is the hardest part of infertility for me. I used to dream of DP and me, our babies, our little family, our bigger family, our future. Writing this makes me cry, because I know I've lost that dream.
Shouldn't people who get married share a dream of a future? Still 37 for a few more days, so probably I'm only halfway my life. Bit early to only dream of the past...

March 17, 2009 and the doctor loaded the wrong movie for the rest of my life. It has a fair resemblance, but it is ever so subtly wrong. Part of me still waits for someone or something to wake me up and apologise for the mistake. The other part of me tells me it is in the middle of the night 2:30 AM and I should go to sleep.
Good night, sweet dreams.