Today was the meeting with the doctor after the monitored cycle. Not quite sure what cause and effect was in that cycle, but progesterone was too low and cycle too short. This cycle is even shorter. Although one could argue that 17 days doesn't really count as a cycle. I think that was the message the good doctor was trying to get across. Diminished egg reserve, cycles failing, success percentages plummeting, hormones giving up, high FSH, all part of this same package. And it will gradually get worse. Skipping cycles is going to be fun. Or unexpected heavy bleeding for weeks on end. (I still think 4 days of bleeding is a design flaw. I rather donate my blood than let it go to waste.) But all in all it is going to be an unpredictable process, could be years, or this could be my last period. If I don't want to deal with that I can go back on the pill. what???? Well, obviously after I have accepted I will not have a genetic child. Upon reading my incredulous face he adds that we were miles away from that stage. That I should probably contact my counsellor again.
I did manage to pipe up the words egg donation. Yes, fits my diagnosis. But since commercial egg donation is prohibited in my dear Netherlands very hard to accomplish. Plus it is not a replacement for a genetic child. I should not forget the grieving process of my not existing child.
It just seems I'm stuck in the denial phase of that process. I don't want it to be true. I just want a miracle baby. I want it to be 2001 rather than 2010. What is the point of moving forward in time if there is no future?
My mother told me that when I was little and we came past the baby store I always wanted to go in and push the strollers around.
This afternoon she took me shopping, and bought me a cashmere cable sweater. baby blue. I might just unpack it and snuggle up with it on the sofa. that sweater better be tear-proof.
Gosh, after the appointment this morning DP and I sat down in the cafeteria for tea and a cookie. He said he can't wrap his head around egg donation. It would be another woman's child.
Would he not notice there are another woman's children in our lives already?
sorry, that's mean of me to say.
I will give it some time, I will make an appointment with BambiEyes, I must find a way to explain to DP what this all means to me. But the thought that I'm out of here if he doesn't change his mind was quicker.
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I'm so sorry about the bad news, sending lots of big hugs your way!
ReplyDeleteOh Valery. I am so sorry you are in this turmoil. It is heart-breaking.
ReplyDeleteDon't do anything hasty, ok? Not while you feel so upset. Take your time.
Oh Valery, I'm sorry about your appointment. I know how you are feeling and know about wishing for a miracle to happen. Very simply put, for women like us there are 3 options - donor eggs, adoption or living child-free. It sucks and it's not fair. It may take your DP a little while to catch on, but I'm sure when he sees how important it is to you he'll consider donor eggs. Do some research on epigenetics and donor eggs... there's some pretty interesting stuff happening there.
ReplyDeleteI visit a site that is for women looking to be a Mom through egg donation: http://www.network54.com/Forum/57451/
There is so much support there and women who are willing to answer your questions etc. They are mainly American, but there are women from all over the world on there.
Be kind to yourself.
I'm so sorry, Valery. It sounds like an awful appointment. Have you considered getting a second opinion? Perhaps you can find an RE who is supportive of trying DHEA or Traditional Chinese Medicine? Or maybe an acupuncturist to work with you on this? You're younger than I am and your FSH is way lower, borderline really. Sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
Oh, Valery. What hard, hard news to hear. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe quickest thought, when we are in pain and sorrow, is not the deepest thought. Hmm. That makes me sound like a fortune cookie. Sorry. When I was being completely anovulatory, and then after my first miscarriage, I often thought 'well, H should leave me then, and find someone he CAN have babies with, and I shall go back to being a single girl and having SOME DAMN FUN.' And then I'd feel guilty for thinking it. I now see it as part of the longing to escape the pain.
Hugs, and many of them, if you like virtual hugs. This a horrible way to start the year. I am thinking of you.
so sorry that you did not get better news. my husband was very slow to warm to the idea of donor eggs, which was a major problem for us as he had no problem with a surrogate. there was a real grieving process for him that he was unable to share with me, and really i only found out about after the fact. not having life turn out the way you planned is difficult for everyone, even the men in our lives. i can promise you though once that child is there none of it will matter. my cousin has a beautiful daughter from a donor egg, she was born with no eggs, and that child could not be more of a momma's girl.
ReplyDeletei hope that things work out for you in this new year. tons of hugs.
Hi Valery - just stumbled onto your blog via nutsinmay. I am also somewhere in the POF/Diminished Ovarian Reserve spectrum. If you hate getting people commenting "have you tried x or y treatment" feel free to ignore this - but have you read any of the papers by JH Check on using ethinyl estradiol to suppress fsh and induce ovulation? I have just this month ovulated for the first time in 2 years simply from taking the ethinyl estradiol - no other meds. (and my highest fsh in the recent past was 165!) While I'm not a success story yet, this is the best result I've had of anything I've tried so far. Good luck - I will keep following your blog - I haven't come across many by POF-ers...
ReplyDelete