It was his own idea really. I mean, he started it. He took his brother to an unknown destination for an unknown activity three years ago. And ever since they have been out on mystery events for their birthdays: blow carting on the beach, U2 concert, professional cooking workshop, that kind of surprise. This year his brother had asked for my help and involvement, because he wanted to include partners and have a snow-filled afternoon of fun (since DP had never skied before) So it was my job to take care of our agenda and bring snow gear, without DP knowing. And I had to get him in the train to another city, while his brother would take care of further transport and the reservations.
Coincidence would have it that HB lives in that city, and was in on the plot. We met for coffee in the coolest little shop. DP had sooo not suspected anything that even when his brother and partner walked in and joined us he still took a while to realise he was in for a surprise party. His first reaction? He was not happy about it, he was upset with me for keeping him in the dark. Thankfully on the way over to the ski area he warmed up to the idea and we had a good afternoon. But it made me realise two things: -it is hard to keep a secret from someone I love when it affects them directly and- at the moment the surprise is revealed it shows that I the secretkeeper am not worthy of trust...
Adding to the perspective: DPs birthday was on Wednesday, the surprise on Sunday, he could have known, could have suspected and the surprise was totally harmless.
Now make the small leap to DE and telling our baby about it.
I was always of the opinion that I would not want DE a secret, now I know for sure.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
referral letter for DE
My GP was really happy about my request for a referral for DE, she said lots of positive things. I'm afraid I've forgotten most of them though. She asked me lots of questions to verify I meet all the criteria. A weird language thing is that in Dutch the medical way of asking how long you have been TTC is 'how long have you had your child wish'. Part of me wants to blurt out that I have always known I wanted children, but I stuck to the facts. TTC more than x years: check. POF confirmed: check. Partner: check. Possible donor: check. She agreed with me that the waiting lists of the big local hospital are quite long and told me that she had had several patients who were really happy with the other clinic that was mentioned. This other clinic has the eerie name of Medical Center Child Wish. Makes me cringe.
TTC clinic? Wish-a-baby clinic? Make-a-baby clinic? Make-a-wish clinic? Feel free to cast your vote.
Since I'd taken the day of work anyway I thought I might as well call the clinic after I got home. They even answered the phone, were friendly and explained I could make an appointment in about three weeks for me and DP. I would also need Fof to call them and make an appointment separately. I concluded that it would be wise to talk to Fof first and find out how far she would be willing to travel, since this clinic is a half hour drive away. (or 80 minutes with public transport)
Conversations with DP are a lot easier and smoother now. He does come up with questions about the process, about medication, about Fof. And even asked if he could tell his family. (if they ask- yes, if this is really happening- yes, otherwise- not just yet. As for the boys- we agreed not to tell them about a baby till I start to show. And about DE I want to stick to a kiddy version of it : an egg from the hospital)
So...I have my letter. The juggling of contact, information, appointments and waiting has really started.
I feel nervous and vulnerable, but in a happy sort of way. All I need now is the right mix of patience, wisdom and pro-activity in getting Fof involved for real.
TTC clinic? Wish-a-baby clinic? Make-a-baby clinic? Make-a-wish clinic? Feel free to cast your vote.
Since I'd taken the day of work anyway I thought I might as well call the clinic after I got home. They even answered the phone, were friendly and explained I could make an appointment in about three weeks for me and DP. I would also need Fof to call them and make an appointment separately. I concluded that it would be wise to talk to Fof first and find out how far she would be willing to travel, since this clinic is a half hour drive away. (or 80 minutes with public transport)
Conversations with DP are a lot easier and smoother now. He does come up with questions about the process, about medication, about Fof. And even asked if he could tell his family. (if they ask- yes, if this is really happening- yes, otherwise- not just yet. As for the boys- we agreed not to tell them about a baby till I start to show. And about DE I want to stick to a kiddy version of it : an egg from the hospital)
So...I have my letter. The juggling of contact, information, appointments and waiting has really started.
I feel nervous and vulnerable, but in a happy sort of way. All I need now is the right mix of patience, wisdom and pro-activity in getting Fof involved for real.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Neighbour baby
Narrow streets, open curtains, from sitting at my kitchen table I look into the living room of my neighbours across the street. And this morning I noticed they were both home and a soft blanket was thrown on the sofa. An unknown younger woman (nurse?) bends over and when she comes back up she holds a newborn baby in her arms. So tiny.... !
I decided to put up the balloons that say "Hurray" behind our kitchen window. And I noticed my hands are shaking. I don't want to cry but I can feel the tears coming. I should leave now for the GP anyway, even if that makes me 1 hour early....
I decided to put up the balloons that say "Hurray" behind our kitchen window. And I noticed my hands are shaking. I don't want to cry but I can feel the tears coming. I should leave now for the GP anyway, even if that makes me 1 hour early....
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Some small steps warm my heart
FoF just sent me this email:
(Sorry if the translation is wonky! The original was more fluent)
It makes me feel like spring is in the air....
I printed the email, showed it to DP and HB during lunchbreak and I keep it in my pocket. And whenever I touch it I smile on the inside.
Hopefully we can meet up this weekend or even tomorrow, but she hasn't replied yet.
(And of course it is hard to stop myself from checking my email every 5 minutes now :)
(Sorry if the translation is wonky! The original was more fluent)
Hello Valery,
how are you?
I really liked your visit and had wanted to email you straight away, but the flu stopped me(...)
Of course we don't know each other very well, but I think you are a very nice woman and I'd like to help you to be as happy as possible. A coffee in the park seems a good idea to discuss a few things.
Warm Regards, FoF
It makes me feel like spring is in the air....
I printed the email, showed it to DP and HB during lunchbreak and I keep it in my pocket. And whenever I touch it I smile on the inside.
Hopefully we can meet up this weekend or even tomorrow, but she hasn't replied yet.
(And of course it is hard to stop myself from checking my email every 5 minutes now :)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Some small steps taken
Some things have taken an awfully long time.
My laptop broke down in October. To find out if it could be repaired should have taken only two weeks, but it took more than 3 months before I had it back. Together with HB (who knows a bit about these things and found the manual) I took it apart to recover the hard disk. Thank goodness my data was not lost. But the rest doesn't seem salvageable.
Mhm, it may not sound so relevant, but it was one of those classic 'we'll call you back in two weeks, just wait and it will be alright' scenarios. Grinding on my patience and resilience. It should not have been this hard.
I have a new laptop now, a biscotti. And am comfortable blogging again!
So, what else happened in the past couple of weeks while I was thinking-but-not-blogging?
I sent an email to the hospital where I had my attempt at IVF two years ago, all nice doctors, asking how I should go about IVF with a donor. They came back to me saying they don't do DE-IVF, not even if I bring a donor.... and referred me to either the big academic hospital or some other clinic.
One step forward, one step back.
I googled the big hospital, nice website so it took me about 7 seconds to find out that 'after diagnosis is complete, the waiting list for IVF is 12 months'
Cue panic and tears. Two steps back! HB calmed me down, saying I could be proud of myself for taking the first small step, contacting my first hospital.
Next Steps are next steps. And finding a hospital or clinic is one of them.
What else? yes, I have an appointment with my GP on Friday, to ask her what she knows about DE-IVF and write a referral letter for me. (Having an appointment counts as a step, right?)
Oh and I finally have an appointment with BambiEyes again! She fell ill in October (just wait two weeks), quit her job at the end of last year (just wait two weeks), found a new place (just wait two weeks), had to find out about her training there (just wait two weeks. Grinding on my patience and resilience. It should not have been this hard! where did I write that before?!) and actually offered me 7 appointments, starting end of March, almost every Friday till she gets married in June.
I'll ask her if she can do the required psychological screening for a dutch DE-IVF. (Does this count as 7 steps?)
And the most important one? I reconnected with FoF, I popped by her place one Monday evening, we had a spontaneous chat and her offer to be an egg donor for me still stands! She welcomed the idea of meeting again for a coffee with me bringing information about it! Of course I hardly slept, and the next day at work I got no work done, but I have the brochures sorted I think.
DP read the brochures as well, and we have been talking about different aspects that we will need to agree on with the donor and her partner. DP does not yet have much of an opinion, but at least the subjects are in the back of his mind. And since we probably need to compromise with 4 adults in total it is probably easiest not to have strong opinions anyway.
Yes, I'm still scared of everything that can and will go wrong. But as Twangy said "we can't let fear be the thing that stops us". My safety net is in place, if I were to fall apart I know DP is not giving up on me (imperturbable martian), and BambiEyes and HB will help sort the pieces.
I'm also thinking about researching DE-IVF abroad. Thinking I can always pull out from a waiting list if I don't want to do it....Thank you Sweet G for your elaborate write up about your experience. Maybe it is not so hard after all to find a donor who is not completely anonymous, if you even saw pictures....
I guess most of these steps have not gone past the email stage, nothing really happened that cannot be reversed, but that will likely stay that way till the actual beginning of taking medication....
It feels though as if the journey has started.
My laptop broke down in October. To find out if it could be repaired should have taken only two weeks, but it took more than 3 months before I had it back. Together with HB (who knows a bit about these things and found the manual) I took it apart to recover the hard disk. Thank goodness my data was not lost. But the rest doesn't seem salvageable.
I have a new laptop now, a biscotti. And am comfortable blogging again!
So, what else happened in the past couple of weeks while I was thinking-but-not-blogging?
I sent an email to the hospital where I had my attempt at IVF two years ago, all nice doctors, asking how I should go about IVF with a donor. They came back to me saying they don't do DE-IVF, not even if I bring a donor.... and referred me to either the big academic hospital or some other clinic.
One step forward, one step back.
I googled the big hospital, nice website so it took me about 7 seconds to find out that 'after diagnosis is complete, the waiting list for IVF is 12 months'
Cue panic and tears. Two steps back! HB calmed me down, saying I could be proud of myself for taking the first small step, contacting my first hospital.
Next Steps are next steps. And finding a hospital or clinic is one of them.
What else? yes, I have an appointment with my GP on Friday, to ask her what she knows about DE-IVF and write a referral letter for me. (Having an appointment counts as a step, right?)
Oh and I finally have an appointment with BambiEyes again! She fell ill in October (just wait two weeks), quit her job at the end of last year (just wait two weeks), found a new place (just wait two weeks), had to find out about her training there (just wait two weeks. Grinding on my patience and resilience. It should not have been this hard! where did I write that before?!) and actually offered me 7 appointments, starting end of March, almost every Friday till she gets married in June.
I'll ask her if she can do the required psychological screening for a dutch DE-IVF. (Does this count as 7 steps?)
And the most important one? I reconnected with FoF, I popped by her place one Monday evening, we had a spontaneous chat and her offer to be an egg donor for me still stands! She welcomed the idea of meeting again for a coffee with me bringing information about it! Of course I hardly slept, and the next day at work I got no work done, but I have the brochures sorted I think.
DP read the brochures as well, and we have been talking about different aspects that we will need to agree on with the donor and her partner. DP does not yet have much of an opinion, but at least the subjects are in the back of his mind. And since we probably need to compromise with 4 adults in total it is probably easiest not to have strong opinions anyway.
Yes, I'm still scared of everything that can and will go wrong. But as Twangy said "we can't let fear be the thing that stops us". My safety net is in place, if I were to fall apart I know DP is not giving up on me (imperturbable martian), and BambiEyes and HB will help sort the pieces.
I'm also thinking about researching DE-IVF abroad. Thinking I can always pull out from a waiting list if I don't want to do it....Thank you Sweet G for your elaborate write up about your experience. Maybe it is not so hard after all to find a donor who is not completely anonymous, if you even saw pictures....
I guess most of these steps have not gone past the email stage, nothing really happened that cannot be reversed, but that will likely stay that way till the actual beginning of taking medication....
It feels though as if the journey has started.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Thank you for your comments
Thank you for all your comments on my previous post, they really helped me to get away from the place where I'd gotten stuck.
The first few days were hard. Trying to imagine getting pregnant aux naturel was so hard, at first I couldn't do it (I took two years talking myself out of that one!), it was making me so sad, finding it so unfair again. Soon after our little winter break was coming up. HB warned me to not try and discuss DE but just go and have a vacation. So we did.
DP and I went away for a few days winter sports in Sweden. It was so pretty in the snow. We went to the same place where we had our first holiday together (summer 2005) and, for those few days, we left our worries behind. Just being together. It felt good to be together. Normal. OK. No difficult conversations, no withdrawing from each other. This was a place where we had been happy before and suddenly it was easy to reconnect.
I wasn't secretly wishing things were different, I wasn't secretly disappointed (unlike our October trip to Jordan) Apparently I could not 'order' magic as a part of a holiday back then, but that didn't mean it couldn't happen now.
So, much relieved.
I can now say again that I know and believe that DP and I are OK together. That it is infertility that is making me (and us) miserable. And that I better start doing something about that.
The first few days were hard. Trying to imagine getting pregnant aux naturel was so hard, at first I couldn't do it (I took two years talking myself out of that one!), it was making me so sad, finding it so unfair again. Soon after our little winter break was coming up. HB warned me to not try and discuss DE but just go and have a vacation. So we did.
DP and I went away for a few days winter sports in Sweden. It was so pretty in the snow. We went to the same place where we had our first holiday together (summer 2005) and, for those few days, we left our worries behind. Just being together. It felt good to be together. Normal. OK. No difficult conversations, no withdrawing from each other. This was a place where we had been happy before and suddenly it was easy to reconnect.
I wasn't secretly wishing things were different, I wasn't secretly disappointed (unlike our October trip to Jordan) Apparently I could not 'order' magic as a part of a holiday back then, but that didn't mean it couldn't happen now.
So, much relieved.
I can now say again that I know and believe that DP and I are OK together. That it is infertility that is making me (and us) miserable. And that I better start doing something about that.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Complex step/donor family fears
Sooooo, January has gone.. but where?
After my last post I had 2 more in-between-jobs days that I spent with HB who was at home with the flu. Talking and feeling at ease. After that I stayed home.Feeling miserable and more depressed every day:
The total misery of not having made up my mind about wanting to go the donor egg route and create a part time step with donor family caught up with me. It felt like a load too heavy to carry, with a new audio signal for the time-bomb that it is.
Tick...
DE is a long process, it can fail in so many different ways
Tick...
with screening, I might be deemed to "not be ready with grieving my IF"
Tick...
Maybe I should just start and see how far I get?
Tick...
Don't be ridiculous, this is not some kind of game!
Tick...
would friend of friend -FoF who offered her eggs last year even remember her offer?
Tick...
if a dutch friend does not work would I really go and "buy" a South African or Russian egg?
Tick...
but if I don't, I feel I can't stay and live my current life. I'm not staying home with DP to see his kids grow up and see life pass me by. I think I would hate myself for not trying harder, would regret it for ever.
When HB listens to me he tells me I have my mind made up already, that I want a baby above all else. That it is just the other pieces of the puzzle that scare me. That I'm so scared of maybe not wanting DP to still be the father and the collateral damage that possibility may cause that I can't think straight.
I find it extremely hard to put into words what my problem is with the complex family option. One part is that the step-kids have their mother that they live with 12 out of 14 days. She is the REAL mother. And I'm not. A DE baby would have two big half-brothers (7&11 now). And again, I wouldn't be the REAL mother. What if the baby/toddler/kid or the boys want to stay together 14/14??? I feel ridiculous typing this but it is a thought/fear that hurts me deeply.
I'd be denying my baby the genetic connection that I cannot offer...
In the "easy" DE case, say if the FoF scenario would work out, there would be two small half sisters as well (4&6 now), living in my city. This way DE baby could get a glimpse of the other genetic material that runs around. It would be a miraculous sight, gratitude and pain and wonder, all because of DE/IVF.
Someone wrote that DE is considered 'cheating', or the easy way out. AS IF!!!! if only......
If I were to "purchase" an anonymous egg abroad, I would create a strange situation for my DE baby. For now I intend to raise my DE baby/family in my home country. A country that has decided that it is in the best interest of the child to find out who their donor is, in the donor registry at least. So theoretically every other child knows where their DNA comes from, or has the option to find out. The fact that the Russian clinic has half of its website in Dutch tells me this is not entirely true, but it also points out that "lots of its clients are very private" about the fact DE was involved. No wonder, if it would be illegal to do if at home, but it would be hard to track these kids down.
Oh, and on the 14th of Jan my mobile rang, if I would please come back to work some more? starting immediately please? I was too depressed to say no. Different department this time, lot less hassle, more work to actually do. (and I negotiated a tiny rate increase too) Bicycling with DP again, coffee breaks with HB. A reason to get up in the morning and to be tired at night.
So work is again my 'occupational therapy' and with my laptop still broken I find it hard to blog. Still reading though.
After my last post I had 2 more in-between-jobs days that I spent with HB who was at home with the flu. Talking and feeling at ease. After that I stayed home.Feeling miserable and more depressed every day:
The total misery of not having made up my mind about wanting to go the donor egg route and create a part time step with donor family caught up with me. It felt like a load too heavy to carry, with a new audio signal for the time-bomb that it is.
Tick...
DE is a long process, it can fail in so many different ways
Tick...
with screening, I might be deemed to "not be ready with grieving my IF"
Tick...
Maybe I should just start and see how far I get?
Tick...
Don't be ridiculous, this is not some kind of game!
Tick...
would friend of friend -FoF who offered her eggs last year even remember her offer?
Tick...
if a dutch friend does not work would I really go and "buy" a South African or Russian egg?
Tick...
but if I don't, I feel I can't stay and live my current life. I'm not staying home with DP to see his kids grow up and see life pass me by. I think I would hate myself for not trying harder, would regret it for ever.
When HB listens to me he tells me I have my mind made up already, that I want a baby above all else. That it is just the other pieces of the puzzle that scare me. That I'm so scared of maybe not wanting DP to still be the father and the collateral damage that possibility may cause that I can't think straight.
I find it extremely hard to put into words what my problem is with the complex family option. One part is that the step-kids have their mother that they live with 12 out of 14 days. She is the REAL mother. And I'm not. A DE baby would have two big half-brothers (7&11 now). And again, I wouldn't be the REAL mother. What if the baby/toddler/kid or the boys want to stay together 14/14??? I feel ridiculous typing this but it is a thought/fear that hurts me deeply.
I'd be denying my baby the genetic connection that I cannot offer...
In the "easy" DE case, say if the FoF scenario would work out, there would be two small half sisters as well (4&6 now), living in my city. This way DE baby could get a glimpse of the other genetic material that runs around. It would be a miraculous sight, gratitude and pain and wonder, all because of DE/IVF.
Someone wrote that DE is considered 'cheating', or the easy way out. AS IF!!!! if only......
If I were to "purchase" an anonymous egg abroad, I would create a strange situation for my DE baby. For now I intend to raise my DE baby/family in my home country. A country that has decided that it is in the best interest of the child to find out who their donor is, in the donor registry at least. So theoretically every other child knows where their DNA comes from, or has the option to find out. The fact that the Russian clinic has half of its website in Dutch tells me this is not entirely true, but it also points out that "lots of its clients are very private" about the fact DE was involved. No wonder, if it would be illegal to do if at home, but it would be hard to track these kids down.
Oh, and on the 14th of Jan my mobile rang, if I would please come back to work some more? starting immediately please? I was too depressed to say no. Different department this time, lot less hassle, more work to actually do. (and I negotiated a tiny rate increase too) Bicycling with DP again, coffee breaks with HB. A reason to get up in the morning and to be tired at night.
So work is again my 'occupational therapy' and with my laptop still broken I find it hard to blog. Still reading though.
Monday, January 10, 2011
70
How appropriate to write my 70th post on my mothers 70th birthday. Happy Birthday mam.
She gave a ladies-only High Tea Party yesterday (in a hotel) complete with chocolate fountain - just for me, she claimed. Half of her guests knew me from when I was a baby, and all of them wanted to know how I was. I didn't want to blow the atmosphere, but neither would I tell them 'everything's fine'. So I practised telling my story in ever shorter form.
One lady, M, only ten years older than me and childless-not-by-choice then told me how she had really nice neighbours and had connected with one woman in particular because this neighbour was also c-n-b-c. The neighbour had been pregnant with twins (twice) who were stillborn (all of them). She had seemed to cope so well. Merry christmas, cheerful new years eve. And hanged herself the very first day of the new year.
Both M and I could understand somehow, that that could be too hard to keep on living, too much to bear.
I woke up at 5 AM, feeling so sad. Sad for M, sad for her neighbour, sad for the twins, sad for the husband left behind.
Made love to DP hoping to return to the land of warm, loving and living, but I still wanted to cry.
She gave a ladies-only High Tea Party yesterday (in a hotel) complete with chocolate fountain - just for me, she claimed. Half of her guests knew me from when I was a baby, and all of them wanted to know how I was. I didn't want to blow the atmosphere, but neither would I tell them 'everything's fine'. So I practised telling my story in ever shorter form.
One lady, M, only ten years older than me and childless-not-by-choice then told me how she had really nice neighbours and had connected with one woman in particular because this neighbour was also c-n-b-c. The neighbour had been pregnant with twins (twice) who were stillborn (all of them). She had seemed to cope so well. Merry christmas, cheerful new years eve. And hanged herself the very first day of the new year.
Both M and I could understand somehow, that that could be too hard to keep on living, too much to bear.
I woke up at 5 AM, feeling so sad. Sad for M, sad for her neighbour, sad for the twins, sad for the husband left behind.
Made love to DP hoping to return to the land of warm, loving and living, but I still wanted to cry.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
1-1-11
I'm a numbers girl and I Like today's date. As if it holds promise, a new start. New chances.
This year is the year of my big decisions -next year I'll turn 40 and that will only make things a thousand times more difficult I'm afraid. I've even realised that not making any decisions will mean status quo, where both DP and me suffer from despair and loneliness despite living under the same roof.
So looking for a new therapist is high on my to do list. In the hope of not having the flight-from-pain reflex as my main motivator.
My new friend ( who I shall name HeartBroken anyway) is helping me to sort through the shards of my broken dream. He stops me when I'm taking on to many pieces at the same time and sometimes he comes up with wild new angles to look at the situation. Like 'why not ask DP to give up his DNA as well, to regain symmetry in your relation to the baby'. Crazy thought experiment, but amazing to feel how emotional my reactions are, and that relief was one of them. Emotions, I still have a lot to learn, but HB is making me feel safe while trying, and sometimes he even helps me explaining things to DP. Or commiserates with me when DP is being a Martian about all of this.
Wishing you good luck and wisdom for this year,
from Amsterdam with Love,
Valery
This year is the year of my big decisions -next year I'll turn 40 and that will only make things a thousand times more difficult I'm afraid. I've even realised that not making any decisions will mean status quo, where both DP and me suffer from despair and loneliness despite living under the same roof.
So looking for a new therapist is high on my to do list. In the hope of not having the flight-from-pain reflex as my main motivator.
My new friend ( who I shall name HeartBroken anyway) is helping me to sort through the shards of my broken dream. He stops me when I'm taking on to many pieces at the same time and sometimes he comes up with wild new angles to look at the situation. Like 'why not ask DP to give up his DNA as well, to regain symmetry in your relation to the baby'. Crazy thought experiment, but amazing to feel how emotional my reactions are, and that relief was one of them. Emotions, I still have a lot to learn, but HB is making me feel safe while trying, and sometimes he even helps me explaining things to DP. Or commiserates with me when DP is being a Martian about all of this.
Wishing you good luck and wisdom for this year,
from Amsterdam with Love,
Valery
Saturday, December 11, 2010
cd45 +1 = cd1 + UTI
That, plus a lingering cold and feeling down for weeks made me treat myself with two days off of work. (well, and antibiotics of course)
On the feeling down bit: I was supposed to have my next appointment with BambiEyes end of October. However, the evening before I got the cancellation and the news she was off ill. Early November she informed me she would not return to work and asked if I wanted to transfer to a colleague. Well, no thanks, not in that other city! Please transfer me back to the hospital we started? At least that is halfway between home and work.... If I could please wait till mid December...
So I'm waiting.
And work told me they will not extend my contract past the end of the year. Am mostly relieved at that, this company was only half nice, the other half women/freelance unfriendly, hypocritical and just tiresome. Now the coordinator is moaning there are not enough people for the next projects... Well, they have my number and I am not going to involve myself in that people/budget/time carnival.
Some good news too: After reaching out to a work friend of DP who was heartbroken, he and I discovered we could talk and support each other. It woke me up from the state of denial I had slipped back into. It is an amazing experience to be able to share pain, fear or sadness without someone making you feel wrong or trying to 'fix' you. Sometimes it is scary we seem to read each others (state of) mind. Talking with BFG would calm me and distract me (and make me want to start over with him). This is different : I can let the sadness flow. (And it is not half secret like the time I spend with BFG) It does make me sad, it does make me wake up at night but at least I feel something and for now I believe it helps me out of my standstill.
Mhm, not very good at nicknames today. I would feel bad for naming him heartbroken, almost like he will never recover. And Giraffe sounds silly (although he is tall and skinny enough)
And the computer store doesn't answer the phone. My two week laptop repair is now turning into two months....(if I'll ever get it back) Maybe I should just go there.
Oh, I found a letter between the unopened mail: in some countries they close bank accounts that have not been touched for 6 years....
Other not related subject: what is this Doctor doing in my Google Friend connect bar thingy? My blog isn't searchable in google search engine, only through Mel's blog list. Strange kind of spam...
Be kind to yourselves if you find this dark time of year with its holidays difficult again. My new friend has promised me that 2011 will be better.
On the feeling down bit: I was supposed to have my next appointment with BambiEyes end of October. However, the evening before I got the cancellation and the news she was off ill. Early November she informed me she would not return to work and asked if I wanted to transfer to a colleague. Well, no thanks, not in that other city! Please transfer me back to the hospital we started? At least that is halfway between home and work.... If I could please wait till mid December...
So I'm waiting.
And work told me they will not extend my contract past the end of the year. Am mostly relieved at that, this company was only half nice, the other half women/freelance unfriendly, hypocritical and just tiresome. Now the coordinator is moaning there are not enough people for the next projects... Well, they have my number and I am not going to involve myself in that people/budget/time carnival.
Some good news too: After reaching out to a work friend of DP who was heartbroken, he and I discovered we could talk and support each other. It woke me up from the state of denial I had slipped back into. It is an amazing experience to be able to share pain, fear or sadness without someone making you feel wrong or trying to 'fix' you. Sometimes it is scary we seem to read each others (state of) mind. Talking with BFG would calm me and distract me (and make me want to start over with him). This is different : I can let the sadness flow. (And it is not half secret like the time I spend with BFG) It does make me sad, it does make me wake up at night but at least I feel something and for now I believe it helps me out of my standstill.
Mhm, not very good at nicknames today. I would feel bad for naming him heartbroken, almost like he will never recover. And Giraffe sounds silly (although he is tall and skinny enough)
And the computer store doesn't answer the phone. My two week laptop repair is now turning into two months....(if I'll ever get it back) Maybe I should just go there.
Oh, I found a letter between the unopened mail: in some countries they close bank accounts that have not been touched for 6 years....
Other not related subject: what is this Doctor doing in my Google Friend connect bar thingy? My blog isn't searchable in google search engine, only through Mel's blog list. Strange kind of spam...
Be kind to yourselves if you find this dark time of year with its holidays difficult again. My new friend has promised me that 2011 will be better.
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