Today I was talking to Suzy as we were walking through the house. Usually I call her little Suzy, or sweet little girl.
When I stepped from the room into the hallway she looked a bit frightened, her deer-in-the-headlight eyes looking up to me. I wanted to soothe her and said "it's OK, I'm your mother"
And I promptly burst into tears....
It was the first time I had said that out loud.
something so small
yet so big
Friday, March 22, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
trying to keep track
In the order in which it happened:
21 Feb: last-day-of-pregnancy
22 Feb: Birth night
22 Feb: the day
23 Feb: the next
still to write about going home and recovery
just in case not every post showed up ...
21 Feb: last-day-of-pregnancy
22 Feb: Birth night
22 Feb: the day
23 Feb: the next
still to write about going home and recovery
just in case not every post showed up ...
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Hello World
40 years ago my parents were new to their street. When I was born they decided to invite the neighbours and everyone else in the street plus family and friends to a big reception (in their big house). This way they would get to know more people around them and also have most of the baby-visits over and done with in one go.
With me horizontal for so many days it became obvious that I would not be able to receive many visitors any time soon.
And our big house may not be ours for quite some months to come.
My parents didn't hesitate to repeat history, they even got my birth book to check to do lists, guests and ingredients.
It was wonderful.
It was overwhelming.
It was incredible to physically see so many people who cared in some way.
I think around 60 people attended. Half of them invited by me and DP (including our families), the other half people my parents invited, people who belonged to the fabric of my youth.
There was plenty 'beschuit met muisjes'
There was tea
There was cake
There was 'kandeel', an old fashioned home brew from oblivion, cinnamon, white wine and egg yolks( I think the only other time I heard of that was at my (and my brothers) birth)
And we need to get Suzy her own bookcase for all the lovely books she got.
With me horizontal for so many days it became obvious that I would not be able to receive many visitors any time soon.
And our big house may not be ours for quite some months to come.
My parents didn't hesitate to repeat history, they even got my birth book to check to do lists, guests and ingredients.
It was wonderful.
It was overwhelming.
It was incredible to physically see so many people who cared in some way.
I think around 60 people attended. Half of them invited by me and DP (including our families), the other half people my parents invited, people who belonged to the fabric of my youth.
There was plenty 'beschuit met muisjes'
There was tea
There was cake
There was 'kandeel', an old fashioned home brew from oblivion, cinnamon, white wine and egg yolks( I think the only other time I heard of that was at my (and my brothers) birth)
And we need to get Suzy her own bookcase for all the lovely books she got.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Suction Cup Suzy
Hospital staff was wonderful.
I could push a button when Suzy or me needed a clean diaper and they took good care of both of us. I think I kept feeding Suzy every couple of hours.
At 3 AM one of the nurses asked if she would take Suzy to the children's room so I could get some sleep?
What? A children's room? with trained professionals looking after her? well, yes please! Sleep to get my recovery going sounded like a marvellous idea.
Around 5:30 they brought Suzy back, screaming loudly for more milk. No problem! And I was allowed some more sleep after that.
When the day started a new nurse came in with Suzy again. And told me with a smile that she had been a handful. Apparently all the nurses had taken turns trying to settle her, and hospital breastfeeding rules discourage the use of a soother and promotes a pinky finger instead. And so she earned her first nickname: Suction Cup Suzy ;-)
And I was glad to know that her suction was very powerful indeed, that it wasn't my imagination. Also, no need for me to worry about this whole teat/nipple confusion conundrum, she will suck the life/milk out of anything you put within her reach.
Looking at her little face, the complete devotion to latching on, with the attack of a viper-kitten, like her life depends on it... well I suppose in a way it does...
Breaking that seal took a bit of practice, and I was surprised to find quite how far a nipple stretches within a babies mouth (using my pinky finger whole top digit to spoon it out from her palate)
Even now when I write this 3 weeks on, I have to look and double check if she has taken a big mouthful of breast with lips curled outwards when latching on, she can still be soo eager and superquick that I don't always have time to shape my breast for her mouth to catch properly.
I could push a button when Suzy or me needed a clean diaper and they took good care of both of us. I think I kept feeding Suzy every couple of hours.
At 3 AM one of the nurses asked if she would take Suzy to the children's room so I could get some sleep?
What? A children's room? with trained professionals looking after her? well, yes please! Sleep to get my recovery going sounded like a marvellous idea.
Around 5:30 they brought Suzy back, screaming loudly for more milk. No problem! And I was allowed some more sleep after that.
When the day started a new nurse came in with Suzy again. And told me with a smile that she had been a handful. Apparently all the nurses had taken turns trying to settle her, and hospital breastfeeding rules discourage the use of a soother and promotes a pinky finger instead. And so she earned her first nickname: Suction Cup Suzy ;-)
And I was glad to know that her suction was very powerful indeed, that it wasn't my imagination. Also, no need for me to worry about this whole teat/nipple confusion conundrum, she will suck the life/milk out of anything you put within her reach.
Looking at her little face, the complete devotion to latching on, with the attack of a viper-kitten, like her life depends on it... well I suppose in a way it does...
Breaking that seal took a bit of practice, and I was surprised to find quite how far a nipple stretches within a babies mouth (using my pinky finger whole top digit to spoon it out from her palate)
Even now when I write this 3 weeks on, I have to look and double check if she has taken a big mouthful of breast with lips curled outwards when latching on, she can still be soo eager and superquick that I don't always have time to shape my breast for her mouth to catch properly.
The day after the night before
Friday, still the 22nd of February.
My parents and HB coincidentally showed up at the same time, so we could more or less formally announce all Suzy's given names: one for my mother, one for DP's mother and one for HB, who was conveniently named after an aunt of his.
The three of them left for work (or playing tennis), the three of us could take a nap: a camping bed was wheeled in for DP and he crashed gratefully.
Two hours later we had to move from delivery to nursery, much more comfy bed for me, no bed for DP.
When I had to shift to the other bed however the nurses warned me: I might not be able to stand up...
Gloops...
Tried very carefully, and was glad to discover I could still manoeuvre myself 20 cm across. But was indeed glad to go back to horizontal!
The sun came out, an aunt came over before lunch.
My mother popped in the bring more biscuits and coloured aniseeds ('beschuit met muisjes')
DP picked up his youngest son from school and his parents so the afternoon was full house. My FIL looked golden to finally have a granddaughter too. It was wonderful to see DP's youngest make the transformation to bigger brother, he was really happy to be there.
When he kept asking for more 'beschuit met muisjes' the traditional Dutch birth treat I send DP and his family out to go get some food. I knew they were allowed to stay with me till 8 PM, but I didn't want to stretch the new big brother love that far. I mean, you can only keep a hungry 9 year old for so long... (and it was only 5 PM)
DP's parents took back their gift to get Suzy's name engraved on the dinner set.
Can't remember much about the breastfeeding (ohw, should have written this earlier!)
just that I was completely amazed about how strong a newborn can be!
And that tiger-crawl-towards-breast-reflex? if it is stimulated it gets stronger!!! So with Suzy on my chest she would kick her legs, push up on her arms, lift her head and let it crash like a little wrecking ball, suckle where she landed and if no milk comes out try again 5 cm further on.
And when she latches, OMG my poor nipple didn't know what was happening to it. I was warned that the first 30 seconds can be quite painful, but when milk starts flowing it should subside. It did, thank goodness. And I knew to take it easy, just a few minutes at the time to get into it without overdoing it. So I stopped when the pain came back.
(ah, an aside on pain: my whole pelvic floor area was blissfully numb for at least a week. Didn't feel a thing)
When everyone finally left I was tired. Made a phone call to HB and talked him through posting the B-day post.
And Suzy was still at my side, in her glass crib on wheels... I could lift her out myself to feed or cuddle her.
Or I could just lay there and look at her.
our DE miracle.
real now.
My parents and HB coincidentally showed up at the same time, so we could more or less formally announce all Suzy's given names: one for my mother, one for DP's mother and one for HB, who was conveniently named after an aunt of his.
The three of them left for work (or playing tennis), the three of us could take a nap: a camping bed was wheeled in for DP and he crashed gratefully.
Two hours later we had to move from delivery to nursery, much more comfy bed for me, no bed for DP.
When I had to shift to the other bed however the nurses warned me: I might not be able to stand up...
Gloops...
Tried very carefully, and was glad to discover I could still manoeuvre myself 20 cm across. But was indeed glad to go back to horizontal!
The sun came out, an aunt came over before lunch.
My mother popped in the bring more biscuits and coloured aniseeds ('beschuit met muisjes')
DP picked up his youngest son from school and his parents so the afternoon was full house. My FIL looked golden to finally have a granddaughter too. It was wonderful to see DP's youngest make the transformation to bigger brother, he was really happy to be there.
DP's parents took back their gift to get Suzy's name engraved on the dinner set.
just that I was completely amazed about how strong a newborn can be!
And that tiger-crawl-towards-breast-reflex? if it is stimulated it gets stronger!!! So with Suzy on my chest she would kick her legs, push up on her arms, lift her head and let it crash like a little wrecking ball, suckle where she landed and if no milk comes out try again 5 cm further on.
And when she latches, OMG my poor nipple didn't know what was happening to it. I was warned that the first 30 seconds can be quite painful, but when milk starts flowing it should subside. It did, thank goodness. And I knew to take it easy, just a few minutes at the time to get into it without overdoing it. So I stopped when the pain came back.
(ah, an aside on pain: my whole pelvic floor area was blissfully numb for at least a week. Didn't feel a thing)
When everyone finally left I was tired. Made a phone call to HB and talked him through posting the B-day post.
And Suzy was still at my side, in her glass crib on wheels... I could lift her out myself to feed or cuddle her.
Or I could just lay there and look at her.
our DE miracle.
real now.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Birth Night
Very short version:
birth was fine, baby girl doing really well, afterbirth caused too much blood loss to be fun.
Next day I was fine too (but very weak).
Short-ish version:
at midnight we arrived with a taxi at the hospital. DP had 2 backpacks on his back, an empty maxicosi swinging from his one arm and a moaning me on his other.
We called my photographer friend J.
Within the hour a doctor said I was 5 cm dilated. Another hour 7-8. Three quarters of an hour later I felt like a slight urge to push was mingling in the waves, someone said only the slightest rim was left and I was allowed to start pushing gently. Found it difficult to change tack (which way is down anyway when you're on a bed?)
Another hour later the tiniest head of hair peaked into this world, but a shoulder wasn't turning. Capable hands showed the way, and minutes later she was there, our little baby girl.
Warm on my belly, wriggling her knees like she had so many months.
Unbelievable.
I knew her, she was mine, now ours.
Suzy.
A couple of minutes of peace.
(This was the easy bit)
Afterbirth was high velocity drama, loosing blood, ever more blood.
IV, another IV, oxygen, alarms beeping, more machines and tubes and measurement, more doctors.
I asked DP to hold our daughter as there was too much going on with my body.
I had felt some euphoria, but it drained with the blood. I knew I was in the best hands I could be, they would surely save me if possible. If only they would let me sleep and stop hurting me....
Suddenly Suzy was back with me, latched onto my breast, the strangest sensation as it caused yet another contraction and sent both the placenta (and the emergency OR team) on its way.
Alas, still bleeding.
J was done long done taking pictures and was holding my hands instead.
My pain tolerance had vanished completely, every question reduced me to tears and I could only think of crying for my mommy, of wanting to go home. But I needed stitches, they took enormous care with every layer (if only the bleeding would stop).
They triple checked everything there is to check (blood clotting OK, Hb down to 4.2) but couldn't find a(nother) cause. And eventually the bleeding tapered of. I had bled through the entire stack of 'mats' of that delivery room, which were collected on the same scale as they had used the weigh little Suzy. She was 3930 grams, my blood 2570 ml.
J left as quietly as he had come in.
It was then decided I better get some new blood, and would stay the day in hospital.
I called my parents and HB
birth was fine, baby girl doing really well, afterbirth caused too much blood loss to be fun.
Next day I was fine too (but very weak).
Short-ish version:
at midnight we arrived with a taxi at the hospital. DP had 2 backpacks on his back, an empty maxicosi swinging from his one arm and a moaning me on his other.
We called my photographer friend J.
Within the hour a doctor said I was 5 cm dilated. Another hour 7-8. Three quarters of an hour later I felt like a slight urge to push was mingling in the waves, someone said only the slightest rim was left and I was allowed to start pushing gently. Found it difficult to change tack (which way is down anyway when you're on a bed?)
Another hour later the tiniest head of hair peaked into this world, but a shoulder wasn't turning. Capable hands showed the way, and minutes later she was there, our little baby girl.
Warm on my belly, wriggling her knees like she had so many months.
Unbelievable.
I knew her, she was mine, now ours.
Suzy.
A couple of minutes of peace.
(This was the easy bit)
Afterbirth was high velocity drama, loosing blood, ever more blood.
IV, another IV, oxygen, alarms beeping, more machines and tubes and measurement, more doctors.
I asked DP to hold our daughter as there was too much going on with my body.
I had felt some euphoria, but it drained with the blood. I knew I was in the best hands I could be, they would surely save me if possible. If only they would let me sleep and stop hurting me....
Suddenly Suzy was back with me, latched onto my breast, the strangest sensation as it caused yet another contraction and sent both the placenta (and the emergency OR team) on its way.
Alas, still bleeding.
J was done long done taking pictures and was holding my hands instead.
My pain tolerance had vanished completely, every question reduced me to tears and I could only think of crying for my mommy, of wanting to go home. But I needed stitches, they took enormous care with every layer (if only the bleeding would stop).
They triple checked everything there is to check (blood clotting OK, Hb down to 4.2) but couldn't find a(nother) cause. And eventually the bleeding tapered of. I had bled through the entire stack of 'mats' of that delivery room, which were collected on the same scale as they had used the weigh little Suzy. She was 3930 grams, my blood 2570 ml.
J left as quietly as he had come in.
It was then decided I better get some new blood, and would stay the day in hospital.
I called my parents and HB
Last day of pregnancy
will be updated at some stage (at least, that is my plan ;-)
My cousin came over for the day. From the train station it is only a short ferry ride & walk to the new building of the film museum. A special expo on Oskar Fischinger 1900-1967 .He did animation to classical music before the invention of the computer. Ballet for coloured blocks...
Best bit was sitting in the sun in the cafe
because the whole walking thing was getting a bit tiresome. And my mother had simply forbidden to go on those endless stairs.
On the way home we had to take a break for what I thought were some Braxton Hicks, and sat on a bench in the sun at one of Amsterdam's lovely bridges.
Around 3-ish I was getting a bit uncomfortable and my cousin left so I could take a nap. We were wondering if this was the start of anything, but nothing regular...
I had loaded an app on DP's tablet to time contractions. To ease my mind I started using it around 5 maybe, but realised that with 17 and 44 minutes apart the occasional 5 minutes didn't mean much. I thought we would be in for a night where the books said I might fall asleep because it was only a practice run...
While the really long intervals disappeared my belly still was doing it's irregular thing, and never much longer than 20 seconds or so. Around 10 DP wanted to go to bed, so I tried.
Belly started to get a bit painful.
But our instructions said not to worry before we had had an hour long of contractions 5 minutes apart, lasting 60 seconds.
Between 23 and 23:20 however contractions were suddenly 3 minutes apart (but still not lasting a full minute) and I asked DP to inform the hospital, and ask them what to do.
Their answer was quite simple: come in.
Taxi arrived within 10 minutes.
The books also said that quite often on the road to the hospital the contractions stop, but no such luck. I was wriggling through them on the back seat (and DP had wisely chosen the front seat)
I was still half afraid that we would be sent back, as I still wasn't sure if this was the real thing...
At the hospital reception desk they wanted to send us to ER, figuring we were there with a sick baby in the maxicosi. I admit that my yoga pants weren't exactly flattering, but geez, can't you see I'm as pregnant as I'm ever going to be?
Best bit was sitting in the sun in the cafe
On the way home we had to take a break for what I thought were some Braxton Hicks, and sat on a bench in the sun at one of Amsterdam's lovely bridges.
Around 3-ish I was getting a bit uncomfortable and my cousin left so I could take a nap. We were wondering if this was the start of anything, but nothing regular...
I had loaded an app on DP's tablet to time contractions. To ease my mind I started using it around 5 maybe, but realised that with 17 and 44 minutes apart the occasional 5 minutes didn't mean much. I thought we would be in for a night where the books said I might fall asleep because it was only a practice run...
While the really long intervals disappeared my belly still was doing it's irregular thing, and never much longer than 20 seconds or so. Around 10 DP wanted to go to bed, so I tried.
Belly started to get a bit painful.
But our instructions said not to worry before we had had an hour long of contractions 5 minutes apart, lasting 60 seconds.
Between 23 and 23:20 however contractions were suddenly 3 minutes apart (but still not lasting a full minute) and I asked DP to inform the hospital, and ask them what to do.
Their answer was quite simple: come in.
Taxi arrived within 10 minutes.
The books also said that quite often on the road to the hospital the contractions stop, but no such luck. I was wriggling through them on the back seat (and DP had wisely chosen the front seat)
I was still half afraid that we would be sent back, as I still wasn't sure if this was the real thing...
At the hospital reception desk they wanted to send us to ER, figuring we were there with a sick baby in the maxicosi. I admit that my yoga pants weren't exactly flattering, but geez, can't you see I'm as pregnant as I'm ever going to be?
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