Everything takes so long

Three weeks of stepmomming, two weeks of camping, one week of rain. It took so long.
But I survived. The guys had a good time and I didn't go out of my mind with frustration, I managed to stick to boredom.
Now I'm home alone and actually enjoying the peace and quiet. I'm dry and clean, my hair is brushed and I had the whole pot of nice Twinings Indian Chai for breakfast to myself.

(It also seems to take a long time to write this, sorry)

Clinic Counsellor Conversation - II
It was Fof's turn for a CCC. She emailed they had had a good meeting about her motivation and their view of egg donation, but only covered part of the necessary subjects, so a follow up CCC is scheduled. In September.............
I know, summer holidays, super slow shrink, stupid schedule and such, but if every step of the way will take a month or two I'm afraid we'll never get there.
I got the email halfway our camping trip. And I haven't even managed to reply. (it shouldn't take this long)


I saw BambiEyes on Friday and she said that if I'm concerned about running out of time I should contact the clinic. I am concerned and worried. But I'm thinking that contacting the clinic to cry about that is not going to change anything. HB tells me I should call, even if only to know for sure that I will have done everything I possibly can. Because the 'if only-s' could haunt me later...
I find it hard to not rationalise my fear away. Rationally we are still taking steps, still in the right direction. Emotionally? I feel sad, empty handed and powerless. I feel time slipping away, I want to turn it back, I don't want to let go. I wasn't any good at being 37 , at 38 at least I made my DE decision and took the first steps, but I'm so slow! Everything takes so long! I'm 39 already!! (and I feel just about ready to try 36 again) When I find that loophole into the alternate universe of other chances I will let you know.

On Monday 18 I swallowed the last pill of that first strip. So on Friday I was also worried that nothing had started to bleed yet. Again, I didn't think it was supposed to take that long? So it seemed OK to me to ask for a clinic doctor. But Saturday I spent in bed curled under the doona (duvet sounds so formal!) keeping my stomach warm because the bleeding and cramping had started. Also a great way to avoid the other 3 people in the house.
Sunday we were supposed to go out for dinner with DP's family, complete with his brother and 6m pregnant partner before bringing the boys back to their mother. It seems such a nice way to conclude the holiday and it is really nice from his parents to invite us all.
I made it to his parents, but after 2 hours I escaped by train and avoided the rest of the gang. Went to the 'safe house' that is HB's place.
He lets me curl up on his couch and I don't have to talk. Sometimes I feel sad for me, and then I feel sad listening to his story. After his father died his mother wasn't coping well at all. She thinks he is still ill... So HB has to tell her that father died again and again. Two months now. I hope the pills will help soon.

What else is bothering me...
Oh, yep, with the clinic taking its time and not all tests 100% hurray for Fof first time around and oh, no 100% guarantee it might work in the end I was thinking that maybe I should pull my head out of the sand and slowly start thinking about a back up donor plan. At the side of some French pool filled with noisy children going off waterslides I asked DP what he thought, and he answered that he would be comfortable going to a Spanish clinic for DE. Like we read in the library book on DE that I made him read. So half my brain is happy. The other half is confused. I know it is too early to know if our known-donor-adventure is safe. But I don't even know where to start thinking about an unknown donor...

Maybe for now it is enough to admit that I'm scared and sad. This morning in the supermarket I got sad seeing my dead cousins birthday as best before date on the yoghurt I bought. I cried reading the newspaper about the Norwegian shooter.
I'm scared of the news Fof should get this Thursday from the clinic doctor about being a suitable donor. And afraid of another 'we don't know yet' ....

Agreed

Armed with a bottle of Amé rosé and a real bottle of wine we set of to Fof and partner. When we came in we had to start with some small talk because one of the girls was still awake. But sort of naturally we made the connection to the real topic of 'information management'. They agreed with us that it makes sense to wait with names till all the children are old enough. They also said it was good to align the story now already: her girls may notice her medication during stimulation, or Fof not feeling well after retrieval maybe. It is nice to tell them the truth without names, and so without the (possible) burden of having to keep it a secret. Her daughters are still young enough (6 & almost 8) to accept a story without thinking of all the consequences yet. They may be too young to remember so in a distant future a genetic half sibling could be a surprise, but by then they will be adults already...

At the clinic the counsellor had asked me if I knew Fof's date of birth so she could easily retrieve that file, but I didn't know. While arranging the meeting with Fof I sent her mine so she will not have that problem at her meeting. But we both agreed that with just the one friend in common our social lives have just the right amount of distance now. And since I'm the kind of person who likes to remember birthdays it would just be easier to not know.

All in all we had a nice evening, they are looking forward to their meeting with the counsellor, DP feels right on track and I'm slowly believing that we are taking the hurdles step by step. Oh, the clinic doctor had let it slip that I had already started taking the pill and they were a bit surprised by that. So I explained that I want to be prepared for things going wrong, like my body not responding to the pill and having to switch to another dosage or some such and losing three months in the process... and that it would be convenient for our camping trip, starting this week!

Urgh, camping... I'm already fed up with the kids, they have been here only 24 hours, but it was a bit rough and I was awfully snappy with everyone. DP wanted them to cycle through the city centre with us. Across DAM SQUARE of all places! But the kids were listening to all our instructions and we managed to keep them safe. So while their table manners are still a bit disappointing (is it really asking too much not to speak with one's mouth full?!) they are OK at times (I admit grudgingly)
So I'll fall off the grid for a fortnight. Just have to remember to take it day by day and that despite the bad days there will be good days.