Sooooo, January has gone.. but where?
After my last post I had 2 more in-between-jobs days that I spent with HB who was at home with the flu. Talking and feeling at ease. After that I stayed home.Feeling miserable and more depressed every day:
The total misery of not having made up my mind about wanting to go the donor egg route and create a part time step with donor family caught up with me. It felt like a load too heavy to carry, with a new audio signal for the time-bomb that it is.
Tick...
DE is a long process, it can fail in so many different ways
Tick...
with screening, I might be deemed to "not be ready with grieving my IF"
Tick...
Maybe I should just start and see how far I get?
Tick...
Don't be ridiculous, this is not some kind of game!
Tick...
would friend of friend -FoF who offered her eggs last year even remember her offer?
Tick...
if a dutch friend does not work would I really go and "buy" a South African or Russian egg?
Tick...
but if I don't, I feel I can't stay and live my current life. I'm not staying home with DP to see his kids grow up and see life pass me by. I think I would hate myself for not trying harder, would regret it for ever.
When HB listens to me he tells me I have my mind made up already, that I want a baby above all else. That it is just the other pieces of the puzzle that scare me. That I'm so scared of maybe not wanting DP to still be the father and the collateral damage that possibility may cause that I can't think straight.
I find it extremely hard to put into words what my problem is with the complex family option. One part is that the step-kids have their mother that they live with 12 out of 14 days. She is the REAL mother. And I'm not. A DE baby would have two big half-brothers (7&11 now). And again, I wouldn't be the REAL mother. What if the baby/toddler/kid or the boys want to stay together 14/14??? I feel ridiculous typing this but it is a thought/fear that hurts me deeply.
I'd be denying my baby the genetic connection that I cannot offer...
In the "easy" DE case, say if the FoF scenario would work out, there would be two small half sisters as well (4&6 now), living in my city. This way DE baby could get a glimpse of the other genetic material that runs around. It would be a miraculous sight, gratitude and pain and wonder, all because of DE/IVF.
Someone wrote that DE is considered 'cheating', or the easy way out. AS IF!!!! if only......
If I were to "purchase" an anonymous egg abroad, I would create a strange situation for my DE baby. For now I intend to raise my DE baby/family in my home country. A country that has decided that it is in the best interest of the child to find out who their donor is, in the donor registry at least. So theoretically every other child knows where their DNA comes from, or has the option to find out. The fact that the Russian clinic has half of its website in Dutch tells me this is not entirely true, but it also points out that "lots of its clients are very private" about the fact DE was involved. No wonder, if it would be illegal to do if at home, but it would be hard to track these kids down.
Oh, and on the 14th of Jan my mobile rang, if I would please come back to work some more? starting immediately please? I was too depressed to say no. Different department this time, lot less hassle, more work to actually do. (and I negotiated a tiny rate increase too) Bicycling with DP again, coffee breaks with HB. A reason to get up in the morning and to be tired at night.
So work is again my 'occupational therapy' and with my laptop still broken I find it hard to blog. Still reading though.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Honestly, Valery, I think that deciding to have a child is such an act of instinct and courage, in any situation, that thinking about it too much doesn't get you anywhere. It just confuses.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I am not advising any course of action: to stay with P or not, to go ahead with DE or not, I just mean to say that we can't let fear be the thing that stops us.
Life is a daring adventure..?
What do you think?
Oh, how I recognize that loud ticking! Just a few months ago it was deafening!
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that you first need to figure out if DP is the person you want to be with. Regardless of what happens. And if he isn't, start there. Sorry, even typing that is a little scary. But how can you start building your family if the foundation isn't stable?
Once you start changing one part of your life I'm sure the rest of the pieces will start falling into place. Lady Merlin (our couples counselor) always said "it will get worse before it gets better". And it's true. But it gets BETTER, and it's so worth it!
Hugs and kissies!
Valery, I have said this before I think, but I really believe that the main problem here is your relationship with DP. If you were truly happy with him it wouldn't be so important "how" you will make a family of your own. Sure I understand all the ifs and buts that go with DE, but at the end of the day I cannot believe that you won't feel that child as if it was yours. You keep comparing the DE child to DP's children but it won't be the same. I'd like to know this, if you were fertile, would you make a child with DP today? If the answer is yes than stop tormenting yourself for things you have no answer for and go ahead with the DE project. If the answer is no or you are not sure well...you will have to do something about that soon. Love, Fran
ReplyDeleteFran has a point: if you would be able to get pregnant 'aux naturel' with DP right now, would you?
ReplyDeleteIf so, then 'just' (I know it's in no way 'just', but you get my point) go ahead with it. And please know: no matter where this child's DNA comes from, YOU will be the one carrying it. YOU will be the one raising it. Cuddling it when s/he needs to be cuddled, comforting her/him when s/he needs to be comforted. YOU will be the one s/he will call 'mommy'...
I sometimes think about how I would react if I would get a call from the hospital saying there was a mix-up in the IVF-lab (or in the NICU) and our children were someone else's embryo's (or babies). I'm sure I would be very anxious to find out what happened to our OWN genetic offspring. But there's no way in HELL I'd give up any of the ones I am raising right now!! These are MY children, in every way that matters. And if asked, they will tell you I am their mother, no matter what*.
As for the half-brother and/or sister thing: I have two half sisters (11 and 13 years younger than me). And although I love them to bits, I never once considered staying with my dad instead of with my mom just because I would not be with them all the time if I didn't. I like to think it wouldn't have been any different had my mom told me she used DE...
Hugs,
Mijke
*Okay, not entirely fair since they are technically still just toddlers and a baby, but still. They don't know any better than that we are their parents. And right now they don't care whether they share our DNA or not.
As someone who has gone the de route and found success I can say unequivocally that I am the real mother. It is not the same as adoption and I do not consider the donor in anyway the mother. The egg I used to have my baby would never have become a baby without my husband and I using it. The donor is the genetic source, I am the mother. From the moment i knew how many embryos we had there was pure love in my heart for them all. I would lay my life down to protect the child I have now.
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, I am still deailng with the lack of genetic link. I wish that when I looked at mY daughter that I could see some small part of myself. But, that is so minor comPared to the joy that I feel.
Here's the thing, doing what you have been doing has not got you any closer to your goal. It seems like it is time to make a decision. It is kind of like playing the lottery -you can't win if you don't have a ticket. Your chance of having a baby increases only if you are trying something.
If you want some support, have questions or just need to vent, feel free to email me at highfsheratyahoo.ca
Like the others said, if you would have a DE baby, you WOULD be the real mother, no doubt about that!
ReplyDelete