New Reality

Still treading water at new job. Almost more depressing doing nothing at work than at home.
Last Thursday I had an email from BigFriendlyGiant. BFG and I used to walk during lunch break at my previous job. Last week he went out alone, I went out alone at my new office. Somehow I found it really depressing, missing my former work and colleagues in general, and BFG in particular. When he said he missed me too it hurt. He is always there for me, and I couldn't be there for him.
Friday night I felt drained and down and unable to go out. watched TV all evening. DP wanted to watch a different show so he spent the evening in front of a different screen on the floor above me.
For the long weekend I found it hard to make plans, so Saturday we kept it easy, shopping, laundry, sitting on balcony. Sunday we took the train, and did a nice hiking trail to the beach. While we were walking DP brought up the DE subject and how I struggle with it. I found it hard to get his feelings on the subject, he only said it depends on me. But it was a good conversation, covering some stepchildren topics as well.
On Monday we did a combined bicycle-sailing day, and even though I didn't enjoy the sailing like I used to it was a good day. So we did lots of outdoor activities and had loads of sunshine in the three day weekend.
Sunshine never fails to cheer me up...
Monday just before dinner DP asked me out of the blue if we shouldn't get married (moeten we eigenlijk niet eens trouwen?)
My heart jumped up in a happy way, I was surprised and confused as well. I asked him why (hoe kom je daar ineens bij) and he said just checking (nou gewoon). Gewoon means 'as usual' but it is hardly usual, especially not for someone who said no three years and 49 weeks ago.
It's a week later now, and I'm still feeling confused.
DP suddenly coming home with two bouquets of flowers for the first time in four years only adds to the confusion. I guess I find it hard to change my mind for a third time. I feel like he is asking even more commitment from me while I'm finding it harder every day to accept the life we're living. I find it hard to put into words how I feel about his boys. I don't have a problem taking care of them, taking responsibility, having authority, playing The Settlers of Catan Junior, respecting their loyalty to their mother. ( yes, I do feel hurt when they feel the need to point out to strangers that I'm not their mother) I feel vaguely guilty for not loving them, I had expected that loving DP would give me an automatic subscription for loving his offspring.
Some dutch news site proclaimed that permanent customers show 2 out of 3 signs of 'real love' towards certain companies: they get that feeling of security and intimacy. I'm only feeling slightly suffocated if the boys want to hold my hand or a cuddle. I even avoid wearing soft fabrics as to not invite them to touch me. While with other people I'm fairly touchy feely. Yesterday they were all away for a kids party.
In the morning my mother spoilt me for an early birthday present, dressed me up in electric blue top, grey pants and dark blue cashmere/silk scarf. Thanks so much mom, they make me look stunning, love it. In the afternoon two former colleagues (she Chinese, he Malaysian) came over from Delft and London and I showed them around Amsterdam, the canals, markets and tiny China Town. I served them fresh mint tea on my balcony and enjoyed giving them a good time. Walked them back to the station and took a train myself for dinner with BFG. I told him that sometimes I feel like a fly that keeps buzzing into the window, not seeming to understand that I can't pass through the glass, so drawn to the light. Have to remember I can fly....

Only one?

DP has been saying lately he just wants one more child. Part of me knows I should be happy if we manage at all.
Another part of me worries about not having a sibling, two seems like a minimum to me. Especially if DE comes into play, I wouldn't want a child to have to deal with that all alone. I'd want my baby to have an ally, someone in the same situation. Someone to show that despite the same genetics people are different, but alike.

The voice of BambiEyes pops back into my head: maybe I should contact DE parents for support. Not ready for that yet.

I guess for now the idea of one DE baby with two part time half-brothers (and who knows two donor-half-sisters) seems a touch too complicated. It is not the big happy family I dreamed of. It sounds more like a cheap soap opera with bad acting that needed yet another twist in the plot.

Blah. Deep sigh. Maybe this is CD2 talking. (Thank you big unknown void for not descending upon me quite yet)

First days

Slow motion madness sums it up, my first days back at work.
I'd forgotten what that felt like. Everyone is way too busy to tell me what to do so I'm quietly figuring things out myself.
And I brought my own teamaker and cookies to occupy the rest of my time.
As for Mijke's comment: the office chairs are great. The second morning we had an almost disaster on the way to work: the steering bar of the tandem became undone so the bike was suddenly out of control. We almost smashed into a concrete pillar. DP managed to stop the bike just an inch before, but I flew off. Managed to deflect myself off the pillar, but in doing so hurt my wrist, bruised my knee and inner thigh. Woow the adrenaline rush, my right leg was shaking so mightily after getting up again.
Since it happened quite close to a train/tube station I wanted to leave the bike with the station's bike repair shop and continue with public transport. After limping over with a bike that wouldn't go straight the man had the right Allen key and repaired it within 30 seconds. It will take a little longer to get our confidence back though, but we cycled on nevertheless, a fair bit slower. Today it was wet on the road and DP was very considerate taking the corners easy. My knee is still a bit sore but I'm lucky it hasn't swollen. Phew. It could have been so much more serious. But it should never have happened in the first place.
As for the work itself, I'd forgotten that even though I consider myself senior and confident and professional and all that it's still an empty and useless feeling being clueless. Not much documents around so I'll have to get people to explain, can't hide behind paper or read again. O well, it will get better, and they are nice people. Cowboys, but nice.
And I'm not as tired as I was afraid I would be, so that's nice too.

On Sunday I asked DP if I should take him out for dinner so we had some quiet time to talk a bit more about DE. He said our Sunday asparagus dinner would be fine but then I forgot/wasn't sure what we should talk about.
Its a split sensation. I know I want to do this, I'm pretty sure I will.
On the other hand it seems an entirely new decision, a new 'are we ready for this', a new 'will you and I be the right people together for this more complicated life'.
I used to be 100% sure I wanted our child to have my last name. Hey, only fair, DP already had two. Then in 2009 both my brother and a cousin became fathers of mylastname babies.
And with DE I suddenly find the last name thing confusing. Should a child with the uncommon origin of DE have the (common) name that comes with the genes? So stressing the connection with its half-brothers? Or should I leave a 'visible' trace, something for everyone to clearly see I'm the mother, that my family is family too?

This 'cycle' is a weird one. I started spotting chocolate on CD8 and have been since, it's now CD29. It's getting a bit long. This happened one time before (May-July 2009) and back then u/s showed a cyst that went away by itself, in a mock 50 day cycle. I'm assuming it's part of the collapse of the cycle and its hormones. Guess I'm just glad I don't have any other menopausal symptoms (yet)

Enough computer time, looking forward to the library tomorrow.

Job

It looks like I've got myself a job. Had the interview this morning, talked for 25 minutes, had a sip of water and was told to start tomorrow, oh wait, we need a desk, why don't I start on Monday? It's at DP's company, we will cycle to work together, 10 km.

So now I should quickly enjoy my last days of freedom. Hurry! Oh, and please supply my tax number and VAT number and this that and the other.... DP is at the Efteling fun park with the boys today, could I please arrange for a meal with some vitamins? since my parents want to take the four/six of us on the all you can eat pancake boat trip tomorrow...

It was nice to be a capable and confident professional again. It didn't feel like pretending at all. There are things I'm actually good at. And I didn't feel the urge to scream about infertility, nor am I afraid I'll forget. Had an enjoyable lunch with a colleague. And I forgot how much I like my business clothes and wearing high heels.

On the way back I treated myself with a shopping basket full of special flavour tea, chocolate and cookies and had a private tea party when I got home.