Small steps

BambiEyes saved me again.
That is the good thing of seeing her once a month, she tells me a lot had happened in April.
My cousin said no about DE - and I hid my pain from her.
I made a visit to tiniest and loveliest baby with best mom.
We bought baby clothes together. And I loved pushing the pram.
I went to toy shop to buy a wooden duck with flappy feet to push around for my nephews first birthday. Took it all the way to London. Spent a weekend with my brother, nephew and sister in law. Just growing quiet. Not really feeling the pain then, only really tired.
Dublin was lovely, very impressive and nice to meet my bloggy friends. ( no time or energy to process so many emotions. Just kept running around to pack all the good experiences in two days)
Back home so so tired. No words to describe to DP what I feel.
DP just going on about making holiday plans with his kids and I don't know how to say I'm dreading that something horrible.

Soooo, said BambiEyes, that's an awful lot to go through! And locking up sadness is only making you depressed. Asking the big questions is too hard and making you feel down even more. Therefore: Small Steps, Small Questions.
Trying to answer the question if I'll ever be able to be a happy stepgrandmother is like trying to prevent world war three. Says my BambiEyes.
Talk to DP, even though you don't know all the answers. First find a way to break up next weeks holiday in day trips with breaks for me. Take DP out, sit on a terrasje and talk. Or hold hands. Be together.
And think about working a bit, because working with my emotions all day is getting a bit much.

Then I went home much relieved.
The newspaper had a recipe for carrot burgers with garlic-mint-mayonnaise which I made, so yummy and healthy tasting. After that I dragged DP out of the house even though he claimed to be too tired. We walked, tried talking, I cried on his shoulder, I shared my feelings. He seemed to take it all in his stride. This morning while he was still sleepy I asked him how it made him feel. Nothing special he said. {message from Venus to Mars: I am looking for compassion, for sharing sadness and joy. I'm hoping you will make me feel safe with you. This answer only makes me feel you don't care!} When I then asked if he was getting tired of me being depressed, if he just wanted this to be over he said I must not think that.

So small steps, small questions. And taking better care of myself. Because BambiEyes said, yes, really, that I need to take care of myself in order to take care of my possible unborn future little ones.