70

How appropriate to write my 70th post on my mothers 70th birthday. Happy Birthday mam.
She gave a ladies-only High Tea Party yesterday (in a hotel) complete with chocolate fountain - just for me, she claimed. Half of her guests knew me from when I was a baby, and all of them wanted to know how I was. I didn't want to blow the atmosphere, but neither would I tell them 'everything's fine'. So I practised telling my story in ever shorter form.
One lady, M, only ten years older than me and childless-not-by-choice then told me how she had really nice neighbours and had connected with one woman in particular because this neighbour was also c-n-b-c. The neighbour had been pregnant with twins (twice) who were stillborn (all of them). She had seemed to cope so well. Merry christmas, cheerful new years eve. And hanged herself the very first day of the new year.
Both M and I could understand somehow, that that could be too hard to keep on living, too much to bear.
I woke up at 5 AM, feeling so sad. Sad for M, sad for her neighbour, sad for the twins, sad for the husband left behind.
Made love to DP hoping to return to the land of warm, loving and living, but I still wanted to cry.

1-1-11

I'm a numbers girl and I Like today's date. As if it holds promise, a new start. New chances.
This year is the year of my big decisions -next year I'll turn 40 and that will only make things a thousand times more difficult I'm afraid.  I've even realised that not making any decisions will mean status quo, where both DP and me suffer from despair and loneliness despite living under the same roof.
So looking for a new therapist is high on my to do list. In the hope of not having the flight-from-pain reflex as my main motivator.

My new friend ( who I shall name HeartBroken anyway) is helping me to sort through the shards of my broken dream. He stops me when I'm taking on to many pieces at the same time and sometimes he comes up with wild new angles to look at the situation. Like 'why not ask DP to give up his DNA as well, to regain symmetry in your relation to the baby'. Crazy thought experiment, but amazing to feel how emotional my reactions are, and that relief was one of them. Emotions, I still have a lot to learn, but HB is making me feel safe while trying, and sometimes he even helps me explaining things to DP. Or commiserates with me when DP is being a Martian about all of this.

Wishing you good luck and wisdom for this year,
from Amsterdam with Love,
Valery