end of year

Good news:

• Paxton (DP's oldest) moved in with us after the summer holidays
• My youngest cousin got married and Suzy was a bridesmaid/flowergirl
• DP's brother got married and Suzy pretended she was a flowergirl again
• I've got my work back.
• My brother is coming over for the big family christmas dinner 
• He is staying with us with his two boys
• Suzy is admitted (through lottery) to the Montessori school, our first choice.

Not so good news

• Work seems to want 110% of me, while I am willing to give 80-90%
• my brother's marriage seems to be almost over
• DP's father fell down the stairs mid October. Initially it seemed not so bad. He could still shuffle/walk and talk with us
• But every day in the recovery home FIL seems to get worse. He is loosing weight he cannot miss, has trouble eating, talking, holding or even seeing things. Even sitting up in a wheelchair seems to much some days. Did not recognise Suzy this week. 

DP is going there twice a week, once on the weekend, once on the Wednesday afternoon. This means he has to take Suzy (or, you know, arrange a sitter)

Plans:

• DP and I are planning a big party for September next year. We'll be together for twelve and a half years. Am dreaming of some kind of fantasy/pirate party on a ship maybe, where the ladies will wear wedding dresses (just to give everyone a chance, even if I or they are not getting married in this life or just want to wear that dress once more)
• Cousin5 and fiance are planning their wedding for September next year as well.
• They are expecting a baby in May
• Cousin8 is expecting a boy in Feb. She will come by for the family crib this weekend.
• Since I already gave Suzy's stroller to C5 I will give DeeDee's stroller to C8 (if she likes it after a test ride)  It would do my heart good to have those two bright lime coloured strollers sort of together for another set of almost twins.

Last week Cousin4 got a second child, also a boy. Just like with the first child I cannot believe they choose an Arabic name (Dutch father, Indonesian mother both with non Arabic names)

Also last week: Dutch Santa with all cousins 1-9 . I was sort of hoping Suzy would spend her time trying to get their attention, instead she wanted mine.all.the.time. Oh and little nephew copied her behaviour so I was holding more little hands and wiping more chins. Was mostly fun.

Certainly left little room for my avoidance.

At work I take action quite soon (but gosh I am not good at receiving feedback. People seem in awe for all my experience in the field, and expect me to do and know everything faster than they can. Maybe I could, but it will take me a couple of months to get there, not a couple of days!! Plus I do not want to be that person to barge in and tell people how it is done. Listen first, don't shoot) but with all the christmas drinks it is a bit hard to do all that mandatory socialising.

Not sure if I want to do yoga again.( My 10x pass ran out, and I haven't renewed (yet?)) My shoulder seems almost normal in daily life, it's just when I do yoga I realise how far I still have to recover.

Still following the blogs, but from the people I started out with in 2009 there are not many people left writing. (Thank you for still being there Mel and Twangy) Also the DE blogs I picked up have dried up. In this stage of life it doesn't seem to matter much. Suzy doesn't understand or care, she just knows I'm her mommy and calls me that a million times. I am comfortable with that.

When I notice family resemblances in other people, or encounter some kind of trigger I am aware of the DE. But for now it is just a fact in my life, just like my greying hair.

PS I've gone ahead and started the process of straightening my teeth with invisible braces. Should be done in time for the party!

Lellico

"Lellico, lellicooo, lellicooohooo"
Suzy is performing something in the living room. I do not recognise the melody, or the lyrics.
Then a very faint bulb starts to glow. Sweety, do you mean "Let it go"?
I've tried to avoid disney, but the characters of the movie Frozen, Anna and Elsa, are unavoidable.
And Suzy is very youtube savvy.
We watched the song together, but that melody is a bit hard if you ask me. that last line 'the cold never bothered me anyway' is very applicable for Suzy though.

Anyway, I decided to write down some of the myths I have in my head about family life.

* I bake cookies with Suzy regularly
* I enjoy and engage in activities like finger painting
* I have lots of friends
* I spend time on music with Suzy
* send birthday and christmas cards

You know, i actually feel guilty for not having made lifelong friends in university. My parents had the time of their life, and still have friends from year clubs / orchestra / sorority / fraternity / houses.
I dragged my highschool friend An along to study physics because I didn't dare to go alone. We're still friends, but don't see each other that often anymore.


Things I've given up on already:
-bake my own bread & cookies & cakes & muffins & brownies
-grow veggies (we do not even have a garden) on the balcony
-make fresh pasta / pizza
-play bassoon
-music lessons
-regular workout / bootcamp
-learn to knit or sew and make clothes

Things I do manage:
-stop at red traffic light always
-be on time
-have three healthy meals a day
-fruit almost every day
-get my teeth straightened
-lovely wardrobe
-visit my parents once a week
-have dinner date with DP once a month (or other month)
-yoga on Saturday morning
-regular visits to the zoo
-read newspaper
-Suzy goes to dance class on Wednesdays
-Suzy and DeeDee (and Delia and I) have regular contact/playdate/dinner
-HB comes over for dinner once a month
-J comes over for dinner once a week
-Suzy gets to play outside at least once or twice per day

Avoidance

We are having a fantastic late summer. It is so much easier to feel happy when the sun is shining.
I fell of the web because I do not like how my laptop behaves, it is hard to deal with for me. And with all that lovely weather plus a toddler it is just easier to go outside.
Also, I've slowly fallen back into my avoidance habit. At the moment I am 'in between projects'. Since the beginning of August already. But I still have that holiday feeling, not the slightest urge to go to a new workplace.
It took me ages and ages to make an appointment with my GP so I can discuss my forgetfulness...
Somewhere somehow I am also a bit agitated (but avoiding to think about why)
It was easier to reconnect with BambiEyes than the new GP, but also with her I  avoid speaking about myself as me and filled all of this weeks appointment talking about toddler issues.

It feels as if I have lost my focus. I'm sure it shows here.. (and makes it hard to write)

But didn't dear Twangy point out that we don't come here for logic?

My blogs gmail address seems used by someone's Facebook account since a few days. I can't really tell because the emails are in Spanish AND I do not speak Facebook . Plus I wouldn't really know what to do about it. (unless there is a kind of unsubscribe button maybe)
But , mhm, I might just avoid that issue too. or not.
O wow, I should write to you more often! since the laptop was on already I used google translate and found the right link to block my email address from FB!
Feeling both proud and silly now. And silly is winning quickly. Am I so afraid of doing things? of doing things wrong? Am I trying to convince myself something is wrong with me while I'm only lazy? Why is it so hard to get myself into gear?

Since my last post was about recycling I will share you my last recycle success. Due to some kitchen stock mismanagement we had a lovely brown bread gone stale. So stale it was even beyond toasting (plus we do not eat that much toast)
HB was coming over for dinner and i wanted something special. Found this little gem of a recipe:

• 7 slices of stale bread
• 200 gram cheese
• 3 eggs
• 1 dl olive oil
• 65 gram hazelnuts
• 3 spring onions
• 4 sundried tomatoes
• 2 dl milk

Start with putting the bread in the food processor, then your handful of nuts (I used a few walnuts and a sprinkle of cashews), crumble, then add the rest. Scoop into a muffin tin, bake on 180 degrees for 25 minutes.
Yum!
They were so good we ate them straight from the oven. (and I basically forgot about the rest of dinner, so pulled something from the freezer)

recycling and BBQing

We recycle. The normal things, like glass,paper and plastic. We re-use: the plastic bag the bread is sold in is used at least once to take bread for lunch. Since free plastic bags are banned now we hardly have those anymore. I love to get pre-loved items for Suzy.

Last week I had an office party and everyone received a gift in a pretty paper bag.
Today DP wanted to clean the BBQ. I am trying to not be upset he reused the gift bag to collect the old ashes. (what is wrong with trash bags?!! why the pretty bag?)
But I shall only 'complain' here and not IRL because I haven't done any of the cleaning and don't do much of the BBQing either.

What family news? Oh will write separate post about the holiday with proper pictures.
DP's oldest,Pax, finished high school with decent grade. DP took him sailing for a week. Explaining that we will still love him if he does not decide to study in Amsterdam and move in with us, that he is always welcome whatever he chooses.

Looking forward to a wedding in September where Suzy will be a bridesmaid :)

bed linnens

Almost 4 years ago I had a post about bed linnens.
Now I found this:

It was a special in a national warehouse, but to me it looks like Amsterdam canal houses. Extra special to me!
(Yeah after a few days Suzy decided she didn;t want nappies at night either. On top of that it took her till yesterday to use the potty when we go to bed and tell her to (while asleep), so we had many extra loads of laundry. Now we have a double set of everything for both her and our bed. )

Now She's Big

Last Summer we started potty training, with some disastrous results.
As in, on New Year's Eve I was running to the drugstore for baby laxatives to relieve Suzy's belly cramps from not wanting to poo for two weeks. DP and I thought we hadn't put her under pressure, but whatever we did always had the opposite effect and made things worse.
This year we decided that she would be in the lead completely.
Somewhere feb/mar I ordered this little gem:

The evening it was delivered she was so excited she used it for a wee four times in ten minutes. She showed it to anyone who was around in the weeks following. But at the same time was more panicky about spending even a minute without a nappy.
This Saturday May 14, 2016 Suzy said to me: " Nu ben ik groot" . Now I am big. No more nappy.
We went to the zoo that afternoon to meet up with Delia and Deedee.
Suzy was racing on her mini scooter, did a nose dive, screamed. when I got to her I heard her scream "Wee" so put my one arm around her, got the potty out with the other arm, sat her down et voila, wee done, day saved, Suzy calmed down immediately.
While my mother/the books/common wisdom would tell me this all should have happened last year I'm so relieved that it is happening on her time. I predicted this (well, by putting her in the lead it was the only logical way. But toddlers and logic have a complicated relationship) and gosh I'm so proud Suzy is so fiercely independent and strong-willed and capable of doing this her own way.

Today she was learning how to turn? somersault? on the playground monkey bars
(see this moment and as always don't read the comments. That playground is in Amsterdam btw, it is just that my English playground vocabulary is non-existent!)
That giggle while trying, that proud beam when succeeding, it does my heart good.
Suzy my little miracle I love you so much!


PS. Suzy announced she wanted to sleep over at my parents last night. They agreed. Everyone had a great night. Although I woke up at 3 am and missed her so.

PPS. I forgot to hit publish on this one: http://poffertj.blogspot.nl/2016/04/spring-time.htm

Spring Time

It is Spring.
If the weather isn't nice enough to let me know it is a thick throng of tourists in the street. As if someone pushed a button on April first and "Poof" there they are. The weird thing is that the end of the season is always gradual, I never really notice there are less tourists.

Past Thursday I had an interview for a project. Thursday evening I got a message if I would please come back for a second interview to clarify two points. One was something to do with work areas. The other was their concern if I would fit with a team with mostly younger people, in their twenties. I had to bite my tongue and not say I didn't feel much older than 30.
Also explaining that even at 16 I didn't like to party or drink didn't seem helpful.
Thankfully the lady who spoke with me on the Friday liked me immediately and wanted me in the team and I can start next week.
Looking forward to this huge project, only 20 minutes from home, exactly my experience and loads of enthusiastic young people to work with.

This Africa trip has a load of hidden work with it. Vaccins: my mother needs to bring her medication overview, so she needs to go to her special rheuma pharmacy to get that. And then we go to the health center.
Forms. I need to get DP's consent on a form. that is OK with me. But if Suzy is travelling with her own passport why do I need to get her  birth certificate as well? I know, that says DP is her father, it means just another trip to the city hall.
Visa. from the Embassy in Brussels !!
Pills. Have to go back to the pharmacy because they didn't have the baby malaria pills in stock.

Sorry, new work took so much energy I have only been playing Farmville 2 instead of hitting Publish on this one. Will back date for it to make sense. Sorry ;-)

You're invited too

On my last session with BambiEyes I felt so so happy.
I've been trying to find the words to capture it, to keep it.
It feels most like life is a party, and I am invited. Participating. Or maybe it is even my own party. You are invited too!

Last time I said work was crazy. This reorganisation is huge. Yesterday I told my new manager I have to go to several dentists the coming time. He too, he said. And continued to say my contract that was just extended will now be terminated in 4 weeks time. There will be several unemployed bankers and two Russians joining the team instead. I wished him luck with that.
I'm a little angry about the way they treat people. But wise and happy enough to know it is not the place for me then. My poor colleagues who are staying behind...

J found a house, the deal is done. He can move early May. Yay for him and new beginnings. (and only very minor eeeeeeks for me now officially being an investor in the housing market) we celebrated with the most luxurious cup of tea:

that macaron makes one moan softly with yumminess

Suzy's birthday was fine. What she looked forward to most was standing on the table while we would sing Happy Birthday. That glowing face at hurray... She didn't miss the "big" gift I had been planning, An had offered their old play-kitchen but we never got around to pick it up.
Tomorrow is DP's birthday, 45. O dear, I might want to pick up the gift I ordered for him! Forgot!
See blogging is good for all kinds of things!

The flights to South Africa and Mozambique have been booked. Now I need to find out if I want to go scuba diving for a day there.
Ooooorrrrr, maybe DP and me will join HB if they go to Cuba on a road/diving trip. Maybe April or May. I'm excited that it is a destination that has appeal for DP too. Just the timing is a bit close to this other huge trip. O well, both once in a lifetime opportunities. We do not have to decide on Cuba just yet.

It all feels a bit crazy. But a good kind of crazy ;-)

Bits and Pieces

-shoulder is not so bad ( not good, but not worse and I manage to hurt myself less and less)
-doing yoga with a frozen shoulder feels and looks weird
-work is crazy. A reorganisation means the work from our department will move two countries to the right in 8 months time. Which is bad news for the permanent employees. At the same time they extended my contract till June. The manager who is sending me there is aware of the craziness and will keep me in mind if a better contract comes along before then.
-Suzy is almost three.
-We're visiting schools around us for her. The lottery-entry system is crazy.
-DP's oldest (Pax) is doing his final highschool exam year now, and will be finishing around May/June. We/DP expect him to move in soon after his exam. I hope he and Suzy will grow closer.
-I'm planning a vacation with my mother and Suzy to Africa. Also June.
-I'm trying to help J buy a place to live.
-I'm also trying to help my parents with an investment.
-My brother came over for a weekend with his children. Suzy is the same height as his youngest, who is almost five. He seems to spend his energy reading rather than growing. He was reading Suzy a story in bed. So unlikely it was almost a dream. A dream come true.
-Suzy has some kind of Mama-phase. It is driving me nuts that she wants to be around/on top of me day and night. Especially when I eat or sit behind a newspaper or pc. 
-I feel guilty that Suzy's friend DeeDee will be on vacation on her birthday. I'm hoping that she is young enough not to realise. Hoping that having all her grandparents for birthdaycake will be party enough.
-BambiEyes will soon start her second maternity leave, so my therapy will end in two sessions. I think I'm OK.
-DP and me are OK.

Inside Out

We watched Inside Out at home the other week. I think I read in various places that it made people cry, but I was just enjoying the movie. We had DP's youngest son here and I think Suzy wanted to be with us as well, so we watched as a little family. It was nice to watch it together, even though I think we had to watch the Dutch spoken version.
We have not yet seen Frozen. But my shoulder still is frozen. I've been given diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory painkiller (NSAID). It is commonly known as being bad for your stomach, so I've got a stomach protector as well. Reading the small print reveals that NSAIDS can break your luteal phase and the other stuff is used for helping miscarriages along (when taken vaginally). Which should be of no concern for me given my postmenopausal status, but it still makes me sad. And I suspect makes my stomach much more susceptible for bugs or other misery.

Did I manage to tell you I do go to work again? 4 days a week again? In most ways it is really good to be back at work. It is also a lot busier and a lot easier to forget to make time for myself. Last week with BambiEyes she almost berated me for making things difficult in my head, for forgetting to take care of myself.
To complicate things sleep is difficult lately. Suzy wakes us up mostly once around 2 am, and some nights again around five-ish. And if she doesn't, some drunk might. Sometimes my sore shoulder makes it hard to fall back asleep.
BUT the good news is I found a fysio place that does yoga as well, with a special class for people with sore joints. I'll try it next week Tuesday, hoping it will be a good combination of exercise and relaxation for my whole body and mind.

This Christmas morning I dressed Suzy in her shiny and velvety dress.(second hand, only e6,95) My mother was so excited to have a grandchild to take to church for the play they put on that even my father joined.
Now DP put on the fire, and we will have a verrrrry quiet dinner this evening.
(yesterday HB joined us, tomorrow will be DP's complete family)
Staring into the embers I think of Knut. And how differently I miss Loki (Suzy's twin). When we play with DeeDee sometimes it breaks my heart all over again to see how alike and different they are.

Wishing you peace and calm and care and hope in these days at the end of the year my friends.